It was a mistake from the start.
How Did You Meet?
Describe your marriage before the problem.
Tell us how you first realized you had a problem.
The signs were there from the start. I wanted kids until we were married, then I didn't want any. The truth is that something inside me knew I just didn't want kids with her. Things were never good, a very cold and empty relationship. She didn't like to be touched and never took down the walls for anyone, not even me. What started out as a twitch in my eyelid eventually grew into chest pain and anxiety attacks.
But the big trigger was when I had lunch with an old friend who wanted to know why I had been "an empty shell of myself" for the past 19 years.
What did you do about it or if you have not done anything yet, why?
Everything! Books on improving our intimacy. Books on understanding one another. (I begged her to read them, but she wouldn't.) Personality typing (Myers-Briggs, Rizzo-Hudson, etc.). Two different counselors, one of my choice and one of hers, neither of which she'll go back to, since they don't say what she wants to hear.
But since things really fell apart, I'm just hanging on until the kids are out of high school. Last one's done in June, and I hope I make it that far. It's been 9 1/2 years. That's right, 3,475 days (as of today, 12/31) of taking it one day at a time. No intimacy, no relationship, while she pretends nothing is wrong.
If you're not yet divorced, what is your greatest fear?
Definitely the kids. They have to be ready. #1 son is totally there, and pushing me to split. #2 son isn't quite there yet, but is getting close.
Other than that, I'm afraid of hurting her. Believe it or not, as much as she has hurt me (and continues to hurt me), I still don't want her to hurt more than necessary. I don't hurt people, not even her. But I have to get free from her or I'm not going to live very long. (Counselor said that.)
If you're not yet divorced, what two tips would you share with others?
Oh, easy one. First, don't get married too young!! Get to know yourself first, then become a couple. You're still changing through your twenties. Thirty is good. I'm not saying don't date. Have relationships, good ones and bad. Learn about love and relationships, just don't do anything permanent until you know yourself.
Second, you have got to consider yourself too. You can't build a life on pleasing your partner. It doesn't work. Your partner has to be someone who truly makes you happy too. Otherwise, your relationship will be one-sided, and your tank will be empty before you know it.
One more tip. Don't wait until you're married for sex. I know that's heresy in most churches, but waiting until marriage just puts pressure on you to get married too soon. Take it from someone who DID wait. Don't be promiscuous by any means, but you don't need a bunch of hormones pushing you to get married. You also need to know if sex is going to be a problem before you get married. It's just too big an issue to take a chance on.
If your divorce is final, what was the hardest part of the divorce?
wish it was final. Someday this will all be behind me.
If your divorce is final, what two tips would you share with others?
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