My Story ::  2CoolDaughters

How Did You Meet?

Work after college.    

Describe your marriage before the problem.

We've had more good times than bad until lately.  Two great children ages 11 and 8, both beautiful blond girls like their mother. 

Tell us how you first realized you had a problem.

We've never communicated very well.  She's an introvert and I am very much the extrovert in the relationship.  Beyond that my wife grew up in a family where conflict resolution was not taught.  You just ignored, or refused to deal with conflicts until they go away.  Her mother's motto is "if you can't say something nice, don't say anything at all."  So early on in my marriage I felt prohibited from expressing any negative feeling unless it was about something completely unrelated to my wife or our relationship.  So I took those feelings (they do come whether or not you are allowed to express them) and pushed them down, or converted the energy into something safe like sadness (crying) or grief (loud crying!).

So for 7 or 8 of our last years together we've been struggling with this communication problem, but making the best of it, and loving each other wholly.  On April 19 I discovered she was involved in a relationship with one of my close friends (married, 3 boys).  I found out through text messages on her phone.  She admitted to the relationship and on the 20th of April commited that it was over, done, finished.

What did you do about it or if you have not done anything yet, why?

May 1 I started seeing a therapist to help me deal with some "temper" issues that my wife said she didn't love about me.  She's making this my fault already.  So I go, and it helps.  It helps me see that there's nothing wrong with me other than my wife will not allow me to express feelings to her for fear that I am directing that anger at her 100% of the time.  So I ask her to join me in joint counseling with another therapist and she agrees.  We go, she has some "breakthrough" moments, and we start to move closer to each other.  On Father's Day, she tells me she doesn't love me like she should love a husband (intimacy, emotional) and wants to move out to her parents house.  I say ok, but is this a you and me problem or a you and your affair partner problem.  She says that's over, this is about what she wants for her, that's her search.  Ok, so she packs her things, then talks to an attorney (after asking me if I can watch the girls while she goes to his office) who advises her to stay put and work it out.  Much better than a divorce, he said.

Fine, we spend one day doing this and then i discover (and she later admits to it) she's still involved with the other man.  So for 2 months of therapy, individual and joint, she's lied about the affair repeatedly.  She packed her stuff this morning and is preparing to leave (again) unless she chickens out.  I have retained an attorney, yes, and we are just waiting for the next show to start in this revolving circus.

If you're not yet divorced, what is your greatest fear?

My biggest fear used to be that my wife will somehow be successful in turning this divorce against me in the eyes of our (my) friends.  I now know that most of our friends know about her affair, and are "on my team."  I guess my greatest fear now is that my children will be scarred by this event in their young lives.  I want to protect them, but be honest about the situation.

If you're not yet divorced, what two tips would you share with others?

Seek professional counseling at once, emotional help, and legal help.

If your divorce is final, what was the hardest part of the divorce?

If your divorce is final, what two tips would you share with others?