As usual, I find myself fighting off mid-afternoon malaise at the office. While I should be polishing up the cover for my TPS Report, I’m daydreaming instead. Well, daydreaming isn’t entirely accurate.
Rather than visualize how life could be, I find myself drawn within. In my introspection today, I’m contemplating relationships. And in looking over the ones I’ve had, I’m siphoning off the desirable qualities while leaving behind the not-so-desirable ones.
One thing I’ve found is important to me is equality. I don’t mean that in the standard sense of equal pay and treatment. I mean that in a more esoteric sense. I mean that it’s important to me that my partner in life be a true partner, an equal.
I’ve said numerous times that I have no interest in parenting another adult man. I got my fill of that role the first go round. But what does it mean to have an equal?
For me, an equal is someone with whom I can share intellectual conversation, someone with similar interests and priorities. But more than that, an equal is someone who I can trust.
Trust is a delicate thing, hard to earn but easy to lose. In romantic relationships, there are many areas where trust is required. There are the standards, trusting that your partner will respect you and your wishes, trusting your partner to be honest and truthful, etc. If your relationship is monogamous, you have to be able to trust your partner not to be intimate with others. If you share money, you need to trust that your partner will respect whatever spending plan the two of you have.
All of those points are important. But for me, there’s an even bigger trust issue out there. Though hard for me to articulate, I think I can sum it up by saying that what is most important to me is that I can trust my significant other to make decisions that are in the best interests of us as a couple with or without my input.
I understand we are individuals with separate identities but when push comes to shove, I need to know that when faced with a choice, he is not going to select the option that benefits either of us as individuals at the expense of us as a couple.
Why is that important to me?
Primarily, it’s what I’d consider the ultimate sign of selflessness, the ability to set aside personal gain for the greater good. Selflessness is an important quality in a partner. Do you really want someone who is selfish to coparent your children? Do you want to place your future in the hands of someone who is selfish?
Probably not.
But even bigger than that, I think such an attitude is also a sign of foresight, and when it comes to forging a long-lasting relationship, foresight is key. It takes foresight to make uncomfortable situations today (like canceling cable) that will positively affect the future ($100 a month saved adds up to an extra $1200 at the end of the year).