I’ve already blogged on how I seem to be the de facto relationship counselor among my circle of friends. In mulling over that fact, I can’t help but notice some themes that clearly emerge – particularly in marriages – when it comes to conflict. Not all conflict is a precursor to divorce but there are some areas that, if ignored, seem to mushroom into larger problems and can lead a relationship to its breaking point.
Here's a brief list of ones I've experienced:
1. Difference in Expectations – It appears to me that one of the top causes of conflict in relationships boils down to a difference in expectations. I find this particularly problematic for men more than women. Men, it seems, have a very different set of criteria for what makes a good girlfriend compared to what makes a good wife. This leads many men to be disappointed in their wives after they say “I do.”
2. Communication – I’m not sure why, but in my experience, communicators tend to marry their opposites. Though society tells us women are natural communicators, I find this to be a gender-neutral issue. I’ve met as many women as men who do and don’t communicate. The problem is when you’re in a relationship with someone who doesn’t see eye to eye with you on this topic.
3. Finances – I’ve touched on this before, but really, I think marital vows should change from “till death do us part” to “till debt do us part.” A miser married to a shopaholic is an ugly scenario, no matter what end you’re looking at.
4. Children – Children can be a huge point of contention between spouses. Whether or not to procreate is often the first question couples address. Unfortunately, not much communication occurs on the subject after that is answered. This can lead to conflict and misunderstanding when it comes to who will be the primary caregiver, how household labor will be divided, value systems taught, methods of discipline and level of autonomy expected. The subject is even more complex when it comes to blended families and stepchildren.
5. Sex – In my opinion, sex is only an issue in relationships when it falls short of expectation. Simply put: it’s only a problem if you’re not getting as much as you think you should. If you’re a couple who decided to abstain from sex before marriage, all you have to go on is what each of you assumes you will and won’t do or think and don’t think. But as those of us who have been in sexual relationships can attest, you really can’t predict the future in these sorts of matters. Beyond that, outside influences – children, stress, health concerns, etc. -- often affect our sexuality in ways that are difficult to predict.