"Sorry Cosmo, they say you suck."

"Rowr?"

"Yeah dude, they don't think you can be great unless you do tricks."

Pant, pant, pant.

"Yeah, of course I brought you dinner." Rub, rub, rub, "I don't think you suck."

Have you seen that program? There's a new show on CBS that wants you to know that the Greatest American Dog is one that can performs on command. Perform on command? We humans can't even get our own bodies to do that! Why else would we need Viagra? How can we demand that from a dog?

Not that they're incapable. Dogs are smart. They're more than capable; it's more that they have their own personality. Most dogs perform out of love or manipulation. If a dog just once figured out that all he needed to do was knock you down to get the whole basket of jerky bits, you'd be on your back faster than a Vegas prostitute. And yes that means you too, owners of small yap dogs. They're more devious than you think. A Rottweiler may grab your throat, but a Chihuahua will hump your leg until it bleeds and then steal your tacos.

"Yo quiero Taco Bell."

Cosmo's not a performer. Well he does do this cool "good to see you" dance complete with spins, jumps and twirls. It makes me feel wanted, but a pup-elitist wouldn't appreciate it. It takes a pup lover to respect his moves. They're not really choreographed, and the dance is really just a reply to our game.

See, we play a game when I go out. I "sneak up" to the screen door and try to open it without him hearing. If he's watching, I give the door a few fake twists to see if he jumps. He doesn't jump-He's too smart. He's the Greatest Rob Dog. The door has to be mid swing before he charges. In this game of chicken he always wins and he loves to victory dance. In victory, he's Baryshnikov Pup dancing Eukanuba Lake.

But that's it. That's his trick. He doesn't really play fetch. Oh, you can throw a ball, but all he'll do is watch the ball. Stare at it, and then twist his head back at you like, "why did you do that? It was a perfectly good ball. Now you have to go get it." No, that's not what makes Cosmo great. It is why he can't waste time in stupid show-dog games though. He's a lover not a competitor.

It's that way in relationships too. How often do we want our partner to perform on command, and how often do we get the results we wanted?

"Fetch me a beer babe. Good girl, good girl. Now kneel down, I need a place to put it. No, no, leave my socks on. What are you doing? OW! OW! Let go! That hurts! Bad Girl Bad! Ow..!"

Then again some guys like a bad girl. I dunno. I'd settle for one I can get along with and who loves me. That for me is the Greatest American Wife. I don't need stupid parlor tricks. Oh, of course there has to be a special bond, an interaction. It can't just be any woman. That doesn't mean that any woman can't be the Greatest American Wife though. She can. She just needs the Greatest American Husband to perfect her show. See, it's about the pair, not the individual. It's the mating electricity of right sock to left sock that makes the difference between "Nice socks," and hysterical laughter "look--hehehe--socks."

I think that anybody can be a great individual, but it takes two special people to be a great couple, and too often we settle for being part of the "Better than being alone" couple. That's not really great. It isn't even good.

I'm not saying that that's what happened with MyUnwife. I'm just saying that that's what happens all too often. Marriage is tough, why mismatch yourself?

Me? I've got time. I'll find the Greatest American Wife who thinks I'm the Greatest American Husband. We'll perform tricks for each other, and possibly even play fetch. Until then, I've got Cosmo: The Greatest American Dog. No matter what the TV says.