I had dinner with an old friend last night who has found himself in my shoes. Actually, he’s in a similar situation as me last year. He has decided to divorce his wife after a decade of marriage.
This comes as no surprise to me; they were briefly separated last year. My decision to leave Mr. Ex gave my friend a temporary dose of courage that he promptly lost once reality set in. His reality is that he makes six figures at a job that requires extensive travel while she stays home to raise their two daughters.
The prospect of child support, alimony and the stress of figuring out custody when his job takes him away from home most nights scared him into staying. Matters weren’t helped by the number of his friends who told him how much divorce sucks and that he should avoid it at all costs. So he tried his best to avoid divorce for a year, but all they accomplished was one more trip around the sun.
They tried marriage counseling, but as he told another friend last night, “therapy only works when you’re honest with your therapist and are willing to do the work to put their advice in action.” Instead, they continued their dual lives where they were active in church and sporting the best toys on the block during the day and spending their nights involved in separate affairs and stressing about the mounting pile of debt amassed through the acquisition of those toys. Finally, enough was enough.
He came to see me last night under the pretenses of updating me in person. But I know the real reason behind his visit: Validation. And I know it because I’ve been there. As he spoke of the shame and overwhelming sense of failure that comes with deciding to end a marriage, I was transported back in time. I was able to tell him that with work, those feelings fade but that in all honesty, they never go away. There is always a sense that you could have tried harder to make things work.
Our peers, of course, don’t make our lives any easier. I was truly lucky when I separated from Mr. Ex. We had no children, and he was intermittently unemployed throughout the marriage. Though I never told people about our marital discord, he never looked like much of a prize to those around us.
My friend, on the other hand, has what amounts to a trophy wife. She’s active in many social circles, sings in church and plays the part of the dutiful homemaker so well that few of their friends know the truth.
When I announced that Mr. Ex and I called it quits, I got a knowing look of sympathy and a “it’s about time” comment. When my friend announced his plans, he was admonished for having a mid-life crisis and told that he needed to learn to appreciate what God had blessed him with. Out of respect for his children, and his own self-preservation, he couldn’t bring himself to tick off his wife’s shortcomings. Instead, he’s allowed himself to look like a heel.
The purpose of last night’s visit was to find out whether everyone else’s opinion was true. Was he being a selfish jerk or was he doing the right thing? Throughout our friendship, one thing has been static: I have never lied to him. He knew it was unlikely I would start now.