On the 23rd it was five months since my husband walked out the door.  What a difference five months make.  I never would have thought I would be in such a good place.  Yes, I still  hurt from time to time.  I can say with all honesty that I do not miss him.  I think that is the most surprising of all.  I just don't feel a loss for him.  A loss for the life we had, a loss of the idea --- but not really for him.

 

Perhaps if he has just left without all the hurt and lies I would feel more of a sense of sadness over not having him next to me right now.  But it 's  a gift from the heavens when they do such terrible things.  It is like a lifting of the love.  It is almost like God gives you the chance to fall out of love with them.  I just do not feel in love with him anymore.  I will feel affection for him for all time because of the 27 years we shared and because of who he once was & the father he was.

 

I remember how I felt when he walked out the door.  I truly wondered how I would survive.  In every single aspect of my life.  How would I make it financially, how would I make it emotionally, would I ever love again & so on.  Every fear came to the surface and I was paralyzed for a bit.  Little by little I put together a plan for my life. 

 

So now I am on my path to wholeness.  I am currently on the 1st leg of my nine month journey.  Right now I am in Tiburon, CA and on the 9th I head to England and Greece.  I am there until the end of August.  Then I head to Tasmania, Brisbane, New Zealand and then to Sydney.  I will be done with my work & travels the end of February. 

Who would have thought I would have the courage just five months ago to step out like this?  Certainly not me.  Never in a million years would I have thought I had the ability to formulate this plan, to create these jobs, to create this life.  It is scary and exhilarating at the same time. 

 

 

I also realize that my soon to be ex my have given me the greatest gift when he walked out.  I know I would have stayed with him forever.  I loved him deeply - but I also was unhappy much of the time.  I felt depressed so much and was on medication for depression for years.  This is the 1st time in I don't know how many years I have NOT been on it.  It's the most remarkable feeling to realize that maybe it wasn't ME  after all.  He always said that I was just a depressive type person & I really believed it.  MAYBE just maybe I was depressed because I was with HIM!  I spent so much time trying to fix things for him.  I was always so full of anxiety - worrying if I was ever going to be good enough for him.  Wondering  how I could make him happy.  Hoping he would love me. 

 

Now I only have to worry about me.  What do I want?  What do I like?  What do I want the rest of my life to be?  So now I am heading into the unknown.  It really sounds like I should be scared.  But I'm not.  I am more excited about my future now than I was seven months ago.  Because I know I am in control of it.  I don't have to make choices based upon what another person wants from me or expects from me. 

 

I know that not everyone would be able to do what I am doing - mainly due to children in the home or the way your job is set up.  However - there are ways each of us can redefine our lives without our spouse.  It just takes creativity, courage and desire. 

 

Good luck on your journey!