An acquaintance of mine, D, told me on Monday that as far as the end of her marriage goes, it's a matter of when not if. She told me that a couple months ago, she decided to stop waiting on her husband of 20+ years hand and foot, doing whatever he wanted, making his life the priority. She discovered that he goes ahead and does what he wants anyway, just without her. She said the kicker was that he planned to take a trip without her on her birthday.
D told me that she has been anesthetizing the pain with wine and that she promised herself that Monday night, she wouldn't drink any. It is so easy to do - find something to make the pain just a little less. I told my friend the other night that I wanted to find someone else to sleep with just so I wouldn't feel so bad about what is happening in my relationship. It's so much easier to disconnect when you are numb or distracted or creating a different kind of drama in your life.
D said she would have left by now but for the money issues. They have a large estate. I wondered if any amount of money is worth staying when the price of it is numbing out just to get through the night. What price would any of us pay to open up to a happier, more fulfilling life? But it's more complicated than that, isn't it? I'm not particularly happy with what is happening in my relationship, but I keep holding out hope that it can get better. And that hope keeps me in it, at least for now. And few things are all good or all bad, there is lots of good and too much bad and a lot of gray areas in between.
I hope that D finds a better solution than a bottle of wine, and I hope that the money doesn't keep her in something that is clearly making her very unhappy. And I hope for me that if my relationship doesn't get back on track very soon, I can find the strength to end it.