Aside from the physical, emotional, and financial difficulities of getting divorced, being divorced can be just as trying. I have learned to cope with the practicalities of being a single parent on the days that I have the kids and although it is sometimes difficult to manage all the household bills alone, our divorce was not financially devastating like many others I have seen. I think it is the emotional loss and loss of campanionship that has been the most painful for me. Human beings are very social creatures, afer all.
There are so many days now when I am alone, totally alone, which is not something I have been used to. I would say that prior to the separation, I might have spent a total of a few days home alone during the past 5 years. Somebody would always be around; kids, wife, family, neighbors, etc. Today I realized that being alone with the kids can be an equally lonely experience. Not only had my ex and I been married for the past 9 years, but we were together for at least 5 years prior to being married and lived together for much of that time.
I am now 33, so almost 15 years with my ex has covered the large majority of my adult life. We practically grew up together, worked together towards our goals, hopes and dreams, as all young couples do, and actually accomplished many of those goals... together. Even though we have equal shared custody of the kids, there is never any "together" for us anymore, the woman that I planned my future with and around. And that, can be the most difficult and painful part of the divorce. They say there is a fine line between love and hate and I truly believe that you cannot hate somebody, unless you love them first. Otherwise, there is not enough emotional attachment to hate and I figure there are two basic reasons for divorce; loss of love or hate towards each other.
This feeling of loneliness is magnified when I am doing things alone (whether with or without the kids) that we would have normally done together. For example, it is Sunday afternoon as I sit here and write this piece. Sundays, as with many families, is usually "Family Day." You either go to church together, or maybe have breakfast, or plan some activity... together. Many families probably do nothing at all -- they just stay home and lounge around the house; but they do it together. And that, I now see, is the most important part of it. The together part.
Anyhow, it is Sunday and the kids and I are home, hanging out, playing with the neighbor kids, trashing the house and each room after I clean it up. You know the routine. But, it sure doesn't feel like Family Day though!! Something is definitely missing in this picture. It just doesn't feel like a family any more. Sure, they are still my children and I will always love them more than life itself and would do anything for them, and I am still their father and the ex and I still remain good friends.
No matter, there is still no "family" here today. No matter how liberal our society has become with its definition of what a family is, I still feel that there are a few minimum requirements. First and foremost, you must have 2 parents. Maybe more in some societies or religions, but I'll say, at least 2, because 1 is definitely the loneliest number.
I'm not saying that both parents have to biological, or related to the children in any way, of the same race, religion or creed, or even that they must be a man and a woman. I'm just saying that you simply need two to tango and a parent without a companion cannot reach his/her true potential as a parent (or a person for that matter) without the love and affection of another consenting adult -- a mate if you will. As I said earlier, humans are a very socialized species.
In order to avoid any offense, there may be many people who feel that they can be a full and complete person and reach their own potential without the need to be in a relationship. I am simply saying that, for me, I don't think I can do it alone. I don't want to do it alone. I need some companionship. And I don't mean this in a sexual context (although that is certainly a nice bonus). Like many new moms say, you just need adult interaction once in awhile.
So, as I sit here, listening to the kids playing and going about my routine, which is fairly similar to any other Sunday afternoon prior to the separation and divorce, I still do not feel like a "family." I feel... ALONE! No matter how many kids are over playing or friends or family visits, I still feel alone. They say it is better to have loved and lost, than never to have loved at all, but I'm not sure any more. I wonder if it would have just been easier to have always been single, then I might not know what was missing. Ignorance is bliss. (sorry for all the quotes and analogies, it must be boring you, but they just keep popping into my head).
Anyways, I still refer to Sunday as "Family Day" (I do have the kids that day), but not for what it is now, but for what it was, and most importantly, for what I hope it will again be someday.
