Something Just Doesn't Sit Well 

Maybe it's paranoia and maybe my I'm finally trying to listen to my instincts but a couple of moments from the couple's counseling session last night are just nagging at me deep in my gut.

When the session started I mentioned that we had a discussion last week though I don't feel that either one of us actually said, "I can live with this conclusion and I consider the issue resolved now" and I simply wanted to make sure that we both said that the issue was resolved. I wanted him to hear me say that the issue was resolved and vice versa, that way I make sure not to bring it up again (except as in small "maintenance" versions - not that it would again be a big issue like it had been after ignoring it for so long).

It revolved around the finances and I mentioned that the only area I felt that was not resolved was that if he didn't want anything to do with finances, I wanted some reassurance that I could, in fact, have feelings of hurt if he criticized what/how I was paying the bills or handling the finances. He didn't seem to understand and I brought up the analogy of a card game (which was an analogy I used last week to him). Let's just say that the instantaneous spiteful anger change in my husband was not only noticed by me.

I did not say anything to belittle him, attack him, criticize him or anything that could be construed as that. I simply said that just like I had spoke of before, I felt that as an example, if I refuse to learn how to play/learn all the small details of how to play a card game, I have no real right to make suggestions or comments regarding how he is playing his hand. He shot back at me that just as he said before, it was a bad example and I should not have brought it up, especially when the conversation had been resolved a week ago and HE made a decision and that no amount of arguing would change his decision.

For me, I wasn't trying to argue or change his decision, I was trying to put up a boundary in response to his decision - if you don't want to know anything about the finances and refuse to help with bills/balance the checkbook, then don't try to criticize how I'm doing it or get offended if I don't agree with your thoughts on what you think might be a better way of doing things.

The therapist was taken aback by how quickly he got angry and showed his anger. Enough so that at first he asked my husband, "having her say that made you angry?" and when my husband responded that yes, my comment made him angry, the next comment from the therapist left me in awe and trying to figure out if he really does feel this way honestly (the therapist that is) or if he was saying it as an example.

"Wow. You went from being calm and passive to verbally and physically showing you anger in an absolute split second. If there was an Olympic event for fastest time to get to anger, you'd win the gold. There would be absolutely nobody that could compete with you on that one."

The therapist tried to bring it across lighthearted, and my husband chuckled, but to me it was again a defining moment that left me feeling the unease in my gut because I knew, and know from experience, that what triggers that instantaneous anger and rage changes all the time and you never know when it really will show.

I don't know if the therapist was being fairly honest in saying that he has never seen anyone get so angry so quickly or if he said it more to make a point to my husband, but with the comment and his facial expression when it happened, it stuck with me and helped me realize that his anger problems are far deeper than most would ever know and it will take a very long time for him to overcome that primal instinct of his.

The therapist asked my husband to try to pinpoint when in his life he wasn't always angry and reactionary like that and it came out that even though he's always had some anger problems, it got much worse when he was in the Army. The therapist asked if it was because my husband felt that he was discharged unfairly (way too complicated and even I am a little confused regarding it, but basically he was honorably discharged shortly after boot camp because his weight/body fat was too high even though he was actually in great shape - this was in 1994 after the Army became very stringent on weight/body mass, I guess?).

My husband's response left me to seriously question everything I have ever known about him...

My husband stated that he wasn't angry because of why he was discharged but that he HAD to be angry in the Army. When the therapist pressed him further because he didn't understand why anyone HAD to be angry to be in the Army (our therapist spent 20 years in the Army, so it was an area where he knew more than I did and could speak to my husband in a "language" that I am not good at). The response he gave back just hasn't sat well with me at all...

He said that with what he was being trained for in the Army required that he be very angry and reactionary but that he couldn't talk about it. Not that he didn't want to talk about it, but that he COULD NOT talk about it and left it at that. The therapist didn't quite press any further, as you could tell the agitation in my husband with each question to pinpoint where this quick anger comes from.

I honestly spoke to my husband after the therapy session and stated that whatever happened in the military, that I did not understand what he was stating to me and that it hurts that as his wife and companion for over 11 years, this is one of many areas of his life that I seem to know nothing about. I told him that I thought he was trained in explosives and that he had a tough time during boot camp but if he was trained in something else, I didn't understand why he couldn't tell me, who he professes to be his absolute best friend. I told him that maybe if I understood what he went through earlier in his life I could be more compassionate and helpful instead of resentful and bitter.

He told me again that he CAN'T tell me, not that he doesn't want to, and that I should not be upset or bitter about it. I had to respond back with a couple of questions to try to gauge what the heck went on with him before I met him and got nothing...

I asked if it was something that was so classified that after being out of the military for 13 years or so and with me for over 11 that if he told me about it and even if I promised that I would never tell another soul that he would be killed for? I asked him if it really was classified, especially when there have been movies made and articles written about some of the "classified" aspects of the military (maybe not complete details, but something that is "secret" for the military has actually been discussed previously)?

I even asked him if he was trained to be a sniper/assassin or trained in torture techniques.

Yes, I was being dramatic - I felt the whole thing of his life being so "classified" was dramatic and to be perfectly honest, I actually was scared. I still am...even more so than I ever have before.

I have absolutely NO clue what he could have been trained to do in the Army that would create such an "split second" personality, short patience level and severe anger and rage, and that scares the absolute hell out of me. In all 11 and a half years I have been with my husband, he never said anything about his military life were things he COULD NOT discuss (as in classified, even though he didn't say the word classified) and I thought that some of it was just too painful and that he did not WANT to talk about it.

I don't know if I am paranoid for a justifiable reason or not...I don't know if I've watched too many spy/military movies and I'm just having "Hollywood" fears...

I don't even have to know specifics - I just want to know if he was trained on how to torture and blindly kill people (like a sniper or assassin) - I want to know what the heck the Army had him trained to do where he had to be an angry, savage and primal animal that lashed out at any small thing.

Then again, I don't know if he said it just to say it to justify his anger and it's just a lie...

Why can't he just tell me???  Why does he have to refuse to tell me even the basics of what created this person???

Why is this feeling of fear not going away...why is my gut screaming at me that I have a reason for once to really fear for my life and the life of my children???