The Letter My Daughter Just Wrote to Her Father 

I am totally blown away by my kid! Her dad sent another e-mail to me today implying that I am the one keeping them apart and mildly threatening me, as if I can force a 14 year-old who doesn't want to talk to him or see him because he has been a jerk to her to answer his calls. She gave me permission to post the letter she wrote to her dad today on this website. I am so proud of her!

"Dad, I know that mom sent you an e-mail explaining why i don't want to contact you yet. I think you haven't exactly grasped what she was trying to explain to you. I think it's best if I tell you how I feel in my own words. Also, I don't think it's fair to make Mom act as a go-between any longer.

I feel very hurt. I'm hurt that when I try to voice my opinions, you shoot them down and call me naive. It might have been your personal experience as a science student or with a science student that they are all lonely, but I am entitled to my own opinion. I think that as my father, you should a) encourage me to have and share my opinions and b) if you disagree with them, don't call me names, explain things to me calmly and nicely.

I'm hurt that when I tried to talk to you calmly about what happened with E, you wouldn't let me talk and just yelled at me. I want to be able to talk to you about our problems and solve them without fighting, isn't that what we are all taught in preschool? Talk about your problems, don't fight. I think the no fighting rule applies to both physical fighting and fighting through words. I don't want to be yelled at when I try to talk to you about our problems. In addition to this, I shouldn't have to choose between my best friend, who is like a sister to me, and my father, who's, well, my father. As your daughter, I shouldn't have to tell you "who's back I have." Your not a peer or a friend, your my father. I shouldn't have to make that decision. I don't appreciate you asking me that question. Personally it's not ok.

Also, I was hurt when you came back to the house about 5 minutes later and gave me the letter and my book back. I had the impression you'd thought about everything and were willing to talk to me calmly. If your only intention was to give me a letter for mom and my book back, you should have left it on the steps or in the mailbox. I understand that you were upset with E, and that's understandable. I also think its understandable why it upset me and why I tried to talk to you. Lastly, you made the statement in the car saying you don't come down here to see E, you come down to see me. I understand this, but you never made it clear you don't like seeing her, in which case I'm sure we could have come to an understanding.

I can also make the argument that I don't see you so that I can see M. She is your friend, not mine. I'm sorry to say this, but I don't enjoy seeing her. I understand you like her, but I don't. Many times, it feels that you use your time with me to see her. I am also hurt that you don't seem to care that I don't like seeing her. I think that I've made this quite clear in the past, and I'm sorry if it isn't agreeable with you. If you can't accept that I don't want to spend time with her and you insist on seeing her, then I choose to stay home during those times. I think that is reasonable.

I don't feel quite ready to see you yet. I will be ready only after we get all of our issues here out of the way. Even then, it might take me a little more time. I was hoping that you would understand this, and support me, even if it was hard for you. I want you to know that it was my decision to not see you this month, and it was my decision to not talk to you on the phone. Not anyone else's. I don't feel ready to talk to you yet, whether via phone or in person. You acting like you could just schedule a visit this month after mom had sent you the e-mail saying that I wasn't ready to see you seems very strange. I cannot tell whether you didn't believe I wouldn't want to see you, or that you wouldn't accept that I don't want to see you. Either way, it's not your decision. I thought that after the text I sent you on Father's day, you would understand a bit more, and be accepting, if not supportive. I'm sorry if this is hard for you, but frankly that isn't really my problem. And, as the teenager in this relationship, it shouldn't be. My problems might be your problems, but your problems are not mine. I want to be able to have a relationship with you in which I can talk to you and feel comfortable talking to you about any issues between us. I feel that it would be best right now for us to let the next few visits slide. I want you to understand that this is my decision, not yours and not anyone else's. Trying to force me to see you isn't fair and isn't helping."