How to even start this? I did something today that shames me to my soul. Shames me so heavily that I sit here sobbing. I don't even understand why I feel this shame, but it comes whenever I really think about, or admit to certain things. Today it came because I answered a post here. A post on abuse. My answer just came out of my fingers...my stupid, unthinking blabber fingers.
Dumb, dumb, stupid me. Why did I EVER think I had something to say or share? How could I? How could I type what I did? How could I allow that to come out? I look soooo stupid now. So stupid and so shammed I feel compelled to have this be my last entry. I'm not even sure I will submit this one in the end.
I wasn't always so stupid. Sure, I had a hard childhood, but then, who hasn't? I was almost always told I was wrong about something, the way I thought, walked, talked, felt..you name it, I did it wrong. I knew I must have been annoying to always be so wrong, and I tried to change, really I did. So when someone liked me I saw it as a gift.
Just because I tried to be everyone's perfect whatever didn't mean I was stupid though. I knew there were things that were right, and things that were wrong. I would NEVER let anyone hurt me! I would NEVER hurt anyone else! You make a promise, you keep it. Bible rights, and Bible wrongs. But I was a grey person then.
As a grey person I would always try to see where the other person was coming from. I tried to understand WHY they did what they did. Usually it was because I was annoying. If only I tried harder, was happier, nicer, prayed more, more forgiving, thinner, smarter, funnier..tap danced just a bit faster...things would be okay. If only I didn't complain that things hurt, your humor hurts me, your playing hurts me. As a grey person it never occurred to me that it wasn't playing because in HIS shoes he said it was. As a grey person I thought I'd get back what I gave. As a grey person I thought if I loved enough it would could come back to me eventually. As a grey person I gave a bit of myself away at a time until I couldn't even make sense of basic truths.
So many things happened to me when I was grey, things I will NEVER tell another soul. Oh sure, I say that, and yet today I told one? Some will never come out though. They cannot. Then one day something bad happened that changed my world. I was slapped out of my grey world. I was slapped into black and white.
With black and white comes anger. With black and white comes righteous indignation. With black and white comes basic common sense. With black and white comes maturity I'd say. If ONLY I had been black and white earlier in my life. If only, then I wouldn't have this overwhelming shame.
I'm usually a happy person, trying to see the best in a situation, taking it by the neck and shaking it until I can see the best in it. But I also am an honest person and even though the truth hurts to admit, to really look at, it is what it is. Accept it and move on. Don't have to like it, but move on.
Growing up you think eveyone lives like you do until you see something different. I thought everyone's mom and dad lived apart until the kids at school beat me up for not having a dad. "Your dad hates you so much he left you!" they said as they bashed my head into the brick building..and two teachers looked on just shaking their heads in disgust. The kids MUST have been right or the teachers would have stopped it! I thought everyone's husband did the things to them that mine did to me until I was told that wasn't so.
When you love someone and are grey you believe what they say about you. They MUST be telling you the truth. I was told everyday how unattractive I was. At times I was so sure I looked so bad that it was hard to go into public just to shop for groceries or do anything really. I'd never hold my head up, never dare look another person in the eyes.
But a strange thing happened when I became black and white..one day while I was sitting in a waiting area I thought my name was called and I looked up, in those few split seconds I noticed a lady across the room looking my way. Actually, she was looking me dead in the eyes. That never happened to me so I noticed it. She was smiling and looked so pretty, she actually stood out a bit from those sitting around her. In those split seconds I thought to myself "man, she's one pretty lady and has such a beautiful smile. I can actually feel her kindness in that smile. If only I could look like that."
I quickly realized it wasn't my name being called and put my head down again and the realization hit me that this lady had a familiar look and I tried to search my brain to remember who she was...and I decided to take another peek. It's when I did that I realized it was a mirror across the room and in it was my own reflection. It was me I thought was pretty. It. was. me. When I thought it was a stranger I thought she was beautiful...but when it's me I cannot see it. It was me.
Now I just don't care what other's may think. I'm black and white now. I do my best to do what's right and that's all that matters now. As long as I'm okay with what I've done..that I dance fast enough for myself. But, sometimes that shame comes back...when I really think about the truth of what was..it is so hard to accept.
My mom told me to be careful, time has a way of softening memories. I wonder if I will ever be as wise as she?