For Better Or For Worse 

For better or for worse, the divorce paperwork has been filed today. It was a lot more work to do our own paperwork than I thought it would be.  With my stbx now deployed and not around, and lots of last minute calls to county self-help lawyers and military attorneys, I think it is completed as accurately as possible.  I dropped it off at the courthouse this afternoon.  It's finally in and I can't believe I can stop obsessing over it now.  We already have a hearing set up for July 15th and I'm not sure what to expect.  I'm a little nervous.

Fathers Day is coming up and I still haven't shopped for anything for my dad yet.  As far as my stbx goes, I think I'll have the kids call their dad this sunday and mail him a card even though it will be late.  I just got his new address and mail is always slow in the military.  He didn't do anything for me for Mothers Day so I think having the kids call him and mail a card is good enough. 

My oldest has a scout camping trip tonight and I have to admit that it makes me a little nervous after what happened to our neighbors down in Iowa.  It's really sad what happened to those 4 scouts.  I know I couldn't handle anything happening to one of my kids, especially on top of everything else.  This has been a really hard year for me.  I was never very happy in my relationship with my stbx but I still loved him and it was still painful when he said he wanted a divorce. 

I never told my grandpa that we were divorcing (he raised me and was like a father) because he had so many health problems.  He never cared for B and was disappinted that I took him back the last time.  I knew he would worry about me and I didn't want him to do that because he was so ill.  Almost exactly a month after I found out my stbx wanted a divorce my grandpa went in the hospital and passed away a few days later.  I was there the night he passed and it was the hardest thing to experience.  I had been dealing with the divorce stuff okay until that happened.  But once my grandpa died everything seemed to feel a lot worse. 

Wow, I didn't expect this entry to become a Pity Me Party.  It must be because I turned in the paperwork today and it's caused me turn inward and be a little more reflective. 

I am actually doing pretty good now.  I met with my dad today and he said I looked relieved.  That's because I am.  I can move forward now.  Most of the time I am pretty positive about my future, although I still have the occasional sad moment.  I look forward to having lot less of those until they're gone for good.  But I am still fairly young and hope that one day I will have a happy, healthy relationship.  And if not?  That's okay too.  As I re-learn to love and trust myself again I hope to never need anyone else anyway.  I have to learn to be okay with myself.