When I was married, I was big on tradition.
While we may not have been the Norman Rockwell family behind closed doors, I could throw a Norman Rockwell holiday like you would not believe. And it didn’t matter what kind of holiday, either - this formerly-Catholic girl can throw an amazing Chanukah latkah party, or contribute to a communal Passover celebration by bringing Haggadah’s for all (not to mention some killer flourless chocolate cake.)
I either pulled in longstanding family traditions (Santa Claus mugs) or created new ones out of thin air (Christmas Eggs, for example, or making and giving Thanksgiving Muffins to people we’re thankful for.)
So since I’m very clearly the traditional holiday type, that must mean the ex and I fought vociferously when we divorced about just where the kids were going to spend holidays, right? Or maybe we end up grudgingly splitting everything evenly straight down the middle each year after weeks of negotiation (”…since you had them for Christmas Day last year, I get Christmas Day this year…” .)
Nope and nope. In fact, there’s nothing in our custody arrangement about holidays.
What’s more, I willingly rearrange the custody schedule so that he can have most of the major holidays with the kids.
Why? Three reasons:
- Less pressure on me. As a single parent with custody 75% of the time, I’m already juggling enough. Not having to also pull off a perfect holiday? Priceless!
- The kids get more time with their dad - and get a holiday extravaganza to boot. My ex’s partner has a huge extended family who have adopted my kids as their own; they also choose to celebrate holidays in a style I appreciate, but would rather not emulate (see also Reason One.)
- I don’t need a particular calendar day in order to create memories and rituals, and I’d rather not have the kids feeling stressed or torn.
So we now celebrate Christmas Adam before the kids go off to their Jewish father’s house to spend Christmas there (yes, we have money set aside for the years of therapy the kids will inevitably need…!) I’d bet that my daughter gets just as much out of our time together making Thanksgiving Muffins before the day than she would by eating turkey with me on the day itself. And I’ve gotten to carve out some solo traditions of my own that rejuvenate my spirit and let me celebrate on my own terms.
I wouldn’t have it any other way.