I'm on a journey of self-discovery - and liking what I see! 

I was an emotionally abandoned child and, not surprisingly, I married an emotionally distant man. When his infidelity, verbal abuse and selfishness became too much, I left him and started a new life for me and my children.  I was a little scared but I knew it was the right thing to do - I didn't want my son growing up thinking that he could treat women the way he saw me being treated. And I certainly didn't want my daughter to grow up thinking that a man could use her as a housemaid, banker, lawn service, chef, laundress, social secretary and personal assistant without any love, encouragement, emotional connection or respect from him. (My ex even had me make the hotel and flight arrangements for him to meet his girlfriend at one point. When I confronted him about it later, he said that he had thought I was too naive to figure it out.)

Shortly after the separation, I stood in Badcock's Furniture store, looking at a veritable ocean of sofas trying to find the right one for my new living room. I saw black sofas, blue sofas, plaid sofas, leather sofas...every color you could imagine. It overwhelmed me. I actually began to cry.  In one devastating moment, I realized that I didn't know what I liked! I didn't know what my own tastes were!  I knew what my mother would have liked - that big Early American sofa with the carved wood feet. And I could easily find a sofa that my ex would have liked - he liked dark, heavy colors and that navy leather sofa in the corner was perfect for him.  But what did I want?  How did I want to decorate my new living space, my new life??  I didn't know.

I finally settled on a very neutral taupe sofa, as if I was afraid to commit to anything more daring, or risk more criticism. But as I decorated the rest of my little townhouse, I began to experiment with deeper richer colors and more dramatic textures and I began to have fun with it.  Through the process, I began to value myself and my opinion and my life. I began to assert myself in healthy ways. I began to take care of myself.

What followed through the years after that has been a marvelous, exciting, infinitely fulfilling (and just a teensy bit scary) journey of self-discovery!  I have learned more about myself, my strengths, my capacity to love, my capacity to forgive and my deep-seated faith in these years than I could ever have imagined.

Divorce is never easy, no matter how amicable you can manage to keep it. It is complicated in some very emotionally powered ways when there are children involved. I can't say that my journey has been the best or the healthiest way to explore one's identity, but it sure has been a powerful and life-altering experience. I know that when I meet my Maker someday, I can say that I used all my talents, all my strengths, all my faith and hope and trust and I did all I could with them. I have become a colorful, vibrant, happy, self-confident, self-aware full expression of the person God intended me to be. I could never have found this kind of freedom of expression as long as I was married to the overbearing lout.

My experience might be somewhat unusual, considering how emotionally vapid my childhood was, and how much learning I had to do. But still, I think any major life change like this can be used as a tool for self-discovery.  It might take a little while to get past the shock, disappointment, grief, depression, whatever... but ultimately, it is your life and you can take the wheel again and steer your course to something fulfilling for you.