Parenting changes 

Parenting changes after divorce. As if it wasnt enough to lose my identity, my home, my security, and my social life, I also lost my grip on disciplining my children.
As we walked through Barnes and Nobles, my two offspring raced through the aisleways laughing hysterically, borderline drunk on this utter freedom and shift in power.
I smile, nervously, listening to my companion with intermittent threats to my children. To no avail.

"Your losing points!"
"Stop running or no cookies!"
 "TV is gone for the rest of the day!!"

Nothing works. I begin to feel genuinely frightened. I had worked so hard on raising them, reading parenting books constantly, charts with rewards and currency, systems and gold stars, not to mention, that underlying gift of a mother and father, balancing the ingredients of nuturing and discipline. In this new unchartered territory, all bets were off. The troops sensed dissention. They smelled fear. And it was delicious.

I called there dad.

It is not easy to call the enemy, inviting ridicule, criticism, and interest. I pushed through all the rhetoric and garbage to the small ray of sun at the dump, which is our common goal, our children. Somehow, they need us to be united.
Within moments, we are restored to functioning members of society. They both speak to there dad and even seem to stand up straighter. In our home, he was the force behind the threats.

"What are you gonna do? Call him every time your children misbehave?" The committee in my mind sneered. All disgusted and judgemental.
No, I thought. Just today, because thats the only thing we really ever need to worry about anyway.

It's been a long time since that incident, and I didnt have to call often, I found my own way. But things definitely changed in this area, and I found it to be a landmine of mistakes. There is a tempation to give in because of what they have been through, there is a temptation to hold the reins tighter, out of fear and exhaustion, there is a temptation to blame yourself and him for everything they do wrong. What I found is that children are resilient. We love them with our entire hearts, and out of that love, we discipline them accordingly. Most of all though, I found that when I lived my life in a way I respected, which included divorce, they respected me more automatically.

And on that day, strangely, before he got off the phone, my ex said "Thank you" to me. "I appreciate being included in those things" He said "It helps me feel like I am there father, no matter what."

So, do whatever works when you are beginning this process. Follow your heart and be patient with yourself and your children, and if possible, your ex.