I don't know where to begin 

  So much as went on in my life these past four years I don't know where to begin, some say that these problems stem from "andropause",  from everything that me and my two girls have encountered, it would seem to me they were from a place far beneath the ground.  My spouse went from knowing what it meant to be a family, to let's pretend I am a teenager all over again,  as soon as he hit 40... he went through male problems which was treated with antidepressants,... it was then his personality would slip into a bipolar character....he was switched medications so many times I never knew who he was going to be, one made him aggressive and physical, the other made him flighty and carefree....  he mixed that with  alcohol and we got to experience one memorable Christmas that shall never be forgotten. He has made huge financial decisions without me.. told lie after lie.. and excluded me from being a part of him...  I asked for help  him from his father, but was only told to pray about it.....these are people who live one way inside the home but are another outside the home.... hence my spouses many hidden barriers I can't seem to get past.
He managed to get off the antipressants this past Jan... at least I think he is.. he is a very secretive man... yet he still holds the anger inside and is capable of physical abuse, as I quickly found out this past march...  We own a home business together.. and have one grown child and one that just finished 4th grade.  I  catch myself wondering after each thing that happens... what is next.. it was just a little over a week ago both girls had to see him stagger across the house and slurring his words.. stating he took nothing but sleeping pills.... I am the main parent of the house, I have been for years,..I just got my insurance license in hopes I can break away from working with him and attain financial freedom on my own.  I am extremely focused and centered... I love this man... but I am no longer "in love" with this man...so much as happened that I have managed to build my own barriers against ever wanting to achieve some kind of closeness.