Sundays 

Like clock work, every Sunday is an emotional one for me.  I left my husband three weeks ago to this day.  Yesterday, I was fine.  Today, I'm not. 

My parents, grandmother and myself went to lunch.  No one has questioned me about the recent separation, which I'm positive that my father has already spoken of what he knows to my grandmother anyway, so they are being quite careful with the subject.  We had a very pleasant lunch.  After lunch, we all needed something from Wal-Mart, so we made it a family trip on the way back to my grandmother's.  While we shopped and gathered each of the various items we all needed, we were standing in the check out line.  My father made a comment to me, which I fully am aware and understand wasn't meant to be hurtful, but a casual comment.  Out of no where, I just started to cry.  I hate crying, I'm not a crier, and especially in front of people.  Oh, I held my breath so hard to keep under control.  But it wasn't so much as what my father said to me, it was an overwhelming feeling of how dependent I am, and how my ex made me feel. 

We were standing in the check out line, I had three items, the cheapest ones I could get for what I needed, plus one knitting magazine.  My dad told me to leave it in the cart, they would get it.  Then he said, "We'd have to pay for it anyway eventually."  The thought process was overwhelming to me, because it's true.  The $20 I had in my pocket to pay for the items, came from my dad the other night.  Now, I'm dependent on my parents.  Yet, my mother said, we're your parents, you're our daughter.  It's okay.  But I'm 35 yrs old, living back home with my parents.  I'm that dead beat.

I've done everything I can for my husband and received very little appreciation for it.  I made the fatal mistake of quitting my job a few years ago, where I was so adamant about being independent, having my own financial backing, etc.  (I had a really bad experience of a dead beat abusive ex before my husband, who spent my money faster than I could make it.  He had not job, and would get the credit cards that came in the mail and activate them, then go online for shopping sprees.  My credit is ruined because of him.  I still owe money today.)  But, my stepson's school schedule changed, my job sucked and was changing their rules, and I was forced to use so much of my PTO that it lead to me having to quit my job to take care of my stepson.  We had no alternative resources.  I became so dependent on my husband for everything.  And when it came to making purchases I wanted, I had to ask him for money.  At times, he was fine, if it was under $20.  But heaven if I needed $60 or more... boy did I hear about it.  He would whine so much, make me really feel like crap.  So, I just didn't bother asking for things anymore.  I shopped for the cheapest clothes I could get, 2 for ones, anything on clearance, and if I didn't need it, I didn't get it.  If it wasn't at Wal-Mart, I didn't buy it.

So, I have no income, I've been frantically looking for a job, but the market is really slow.  My parents have been providing me with a lot of things.  But I feel I'm such a burden.