I Never Thought I Could Feel Hate Towards Him 

I was shocked at how I really did hate him last night.  In over 11 years, I never actually felt pure, unadulterated, seething rage filled hate like I did last night in our therapy appointment towards my husband.  It scared me as to the strength of this powerful emotion and how badly I wanted to lash out and run away.

He yelled at me, belittled me, verbally attacked me with vengeance and pure spite.  He yelled at the therapist and showed his verbal rage to this stranger in our lives who is trying to help us mend our marriage.

I sat in shock, awe, humilation, pure pain, wished he would have hit me instead of doing what he was doing with his words, yet relieved that he was doing this in font of the therapist so someone else could see what happens behind closed doors when I try to have a conversation that is somewhat serious or deep about our relationship or our children.

The worst was when we were leaving my husband said, "I am upset because you threw me under the bus...just like I knew you would."

Yes, I mentioned that I am exhausted from doing the assignment in full like the therapist told us to do and that my husband only brought up 2 issues, and the therapist asked him why he did not follow through with the assignment as requested.

His response, "I avoid conflict at all costs.  I do not want conflict and every time I try to talk to her, all she does is yell at me and argue with me and it creates a huge conflict."

When the therapist explained that a discussion doesn't have to be "fully agreed upon on all points" and that differing views do not constitute argument and conflict that to get to a compromise there might be some conflict and "argument", but it is still a discussion and moving forward.  He validated exactly what I have been trying to explain to my husband for years, and my husband went into a rage.  When the therapist asked him if he was angry with him (the therapist), my husband shot back, "Yeah, that's obvious. You are saying exactly what I knew you would say."

I "told on him" and I got the hate-filled rage that is normal for him and it hurt me enough that I felt hatred back.  I was dead-on when I explained to the therapist that, in my husband's view/own words, I argue with everything and create conflict if I have a different view than him, that to come to a compromise you have to debate and debating is arguing, and he will NOT tolerate arguing.

I also "told on him" regarding his statement to our son over the weekend and my husband totally justified it by saying that his own parents did the same thing (I have no clue if this is true or not because I really know nothing of his upbringing - he has never told me and his parents say there was NEVER any sort of abuse or truly harsh treatment of their children growing up) and that "it got the point across".  The same statements I hear when it comes to the hitting/pushing/yelling/screaming/name calling that I have known the entire relationship with him...

"It got the point across" "It got your attention" "If you wouldn't have done that I wouldn't have HAD to do what I did" "If you would just do what I tell you, I wouldn't HAVE to do what I did"

We walked out of the session without making another appointment because I said that I was not willing to do another session if my husband could not commit to fully putting all of his effort into completing the new assignment.  I wanted a promise that he would do exactly what was asked of him, or I did not want to make an appointment...

Not a "I'll try" or "I'll do my best" but "I WILL do it"...

He never did answer that question before we left and on the way out was the low blow statement about how he just knew I would throw him under the bus.

Last night was as close as I can humanly possible say was Hell...

He did promise last night about 2 hours after we got home that he would do the assignment and asked me to go ahead and set up another appointment.  He pacified me, but...

I told him that I would have more respect for him if he just told me that he didn't want to put that much effort into it and let me decide if I want to continue, than to promise and not follow through.

He felt that was a catch-22 and unfair...until I explained it using a different situation...

If I promise my husband that I will never have another affair and then have one, would it hurt him worse than if I told him honestly that I could not promise that I would never again have an affair and give him the choice to end the marriage on that painful note?

He said he understood and agreed that it would be more respectful to be honest and hurt for a little bit than to put faith and trust in something, only to have that broken later.

We will see what happens and I hope this bitterness and hate never come back.  I never wanted to get to a point of hating him...

But now I ask myself which is worse:

Hating him or not having faith in him that he is willing to really work on this marriage?