Wow am I scared......What is he gonna do?/ 

I have thought about it for months now...I am not happy and he is not Happy...But the reality of it is staring me in the face...I have been with him since I was like 14 yrs old..I am 50 now...and what am I doing here...??  we married right out of high school...had 4 children...our oldest is severly impaired...which I ended up raising on my own...he did not participate much at all in this household..I have been his crutch for way to long...he is an alcoholic and drug abuser..he has this addictive personality that has made the nice man that I married into and abusive...ridculing..contolling man...he plays mind games with us all....I understand Why he is the way he is becasue of the childhood that he had...but I just can't live like this anymore...although I know that when he finds out I am leaving...he is going to Freak out...he will be a stalker...he has pulled a gun on me in the past...even thoug it was in a rage...inhanced b a cocaine addiction...I still just can't let it go...my children are affraid to leave me alone with him....they fear he will kill me....and I fear that he will kill himself if I leave..Can I live with that???...I do not know...I will always love him...but I am not In Love with him...my friends say....you need this...I beleive I do to....but still I am so scared of the repercussion....from him....he does scare me...