I am not normally the Machiavellian type. I haven’t studied the man, nor have I read his famous works.
But I think I’ve adapted some of his basic philosophies (as I understand them, anyway), and use them - both in the way I parent my kids and in my dealings with the ex.
See, there are battles, and then there are Wars. And it’s often a good idea - from a strategic perspective, anyway - to appear to give in on those individual battles, only to win the War in the end.
When my ex and I were battling things out in the early days of our separation (before we arrived at the ‘no, after YOU!’ phase we now currently enjoy, that is), custody was an issue.
But not in the way that you’d imagine.
He was content with the traditional arrangement that the non-custodial parent of yore had - every other weekend, and dinner one night a week.
I wanted him to have a more equitable custody arrangement - and crammed studies and findings and ‘here’s how they do it NOW’ Oregon custody option data sheets down his throat to illustrate my point.
We were both distrustful and suspicious of the other person’s position and motivations, of course. Why wouldn’t he want more time with his kids? Why was she trying to foist them off on me and/or put them through constant upheavals? Why can’t he see that it’s a lot of work and responsibility and share the load? Why didn’t she think about that first before pushing for the separation and throwing me out of my house, hmm?
So I gave up on that battle long ago - and we have the traditional custody arrangement.
But I am a crafty one - see, I chalk that gracious retreat up as a victory of sorts behind the scenes. Why? Because we’ve never needed to have anyone else mediate our custody arrangements. We’ve never fought about who should get the children on holidays, or squabbled about changing arrangements at the last minute. He takes them on excellent vacations, shows up at school conferences, and jumps in to handle logistical conflicts when needed. And he’s willing to take care of them without a second thought when I need to be out of town on business.
Earlier this week, for example, I got caught in a bind at the ‘immediate care’ clinic with my son & needed someone to grab the other kid from aftercare and hang on to her until I could retrieve her. And he jumped through hoops at a moment’s notice to handle it without question, and brought her back to the house once we’d gotten home.
So - I am all about weighing out whether it’s a battle or a war. And I’m willing to give up on the battles - or avoid the battles - if it means I win the overall war.
And having my ex at my back? That’s winning the war.