Here goes nothing part III 

My husband sat down last night and discussed some issues. He still can not be honest with me about the affair! But that is besides the point and  i wasnt focused on that. I just wanted to give my side on how I feel, Why I dont wantthe divorce, and why I wasnt signing the paper work so quickly. I discussed how I couldnt help what happened to me as a young teenager, and that I was sorry, for putting him through my baggage that I was done and I wanted to take my life back.(I have been going to therapy going on 2 months now, and I already see self improvement!) I said, you being my husband, I feel should be able to understand why things are the way that they are, and support me, and be there as much as possible. He told me that some of our issues or problems, dont have to do with my insecurities!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!Oh really, ok sure, that let's me know you really dont understand, nor are you trying. Then he said I tried, he started naming out all of these materialistic things that he has done, to try to make me happy. I told him, those those were appreciated and still are, but emotionally what have you done. he said I helped out more with the baby, when you asked me. I said you sure did, but what have you done emotionally? He couldn't answer. My husband had this thing where everything happened on his accounts. so anytime he was romantic was out of the blue but TOO far apart, not enough to keep me secure. When a person has emotional dilemmas, they are more than often empty because of something, they lack something, there is a void. I needed that from him, if they are too far apart it isnt enough for me to hold on to. 7 months before the next thing? I can not function off of that. Well anyway to make a long story short, things didnt go that well, matter of fact they really did. He basically said you know I been feeling this way basically for awhile now, Im just here, I feel nothing. I wont regret this divorce, nor will I feel like I made a mistake. I can walk out that door and feel no emotion, I will hurt for our daughter but basically that's it. I have faced the fact that you will move on with your life, and eventually will find someone, that will bother me some what but I know you deserve that. I eventually know you will remarry and he will partially raise my daugther, but I have faced that fact. Then he told me something that made me feel like my life had just ended, like my life flashed before me. he told me "I love you, and always will, I love you like you love your best friend" "I love you like you are my home girl, that just so happens to have my daughter." I remember my husband and I having a conversation a few years ago, about the worst things he could do to me. I told him, it wasnt him having an affair, or him even hitting me, the worse thing would be for you to tell me you dont love me anymore......................hmmmmmm........well that's basically what you telling me. Loving your wife like your home girl...................is not how you should be loving them. So to me that's the same as not loving me at all. That's when I knew, it's time to let go. I can't do this, this hurts to bad. I would rather hurt alone, and heal, to keep going through this pain with someone who doesnt care that much. Then he goes on to say, he feels like we are roomates. he comes home to try and see how things go, but once he gets here and starts talking to me, he further more realizes this isnt where he wants to me, he feels nothing. It is too far back to turn around. He says it is impossibe for us to work. he finds other things to do so he doesnt have to be around me that much. The only reason he chooses to sleep in our bed is because he paid for it, he chooses to stay in this house because he pays half of rent and it's financially conveinent for the both of us. Wow.....!!!!!!! It's soooo hard for you to be here, yo feel nothing, you find other activities to do just so yo dont have to be around me, well let me save you from your misery. GET OUT! dont stay here cause you think you are doing me a favor. please no, I dont want any favors, I just want you to be gone, so i can start my healing process. Oh yeah one more thing, he told once the divorce and everything is over, he wont hurt. It wont bother him. Ok so since it wont matter much, whether we stay together or not...................GET THE PISS OUT!!!!!! So I asked him to leave,I tol dhim I dont want him here anymore and that he has until Monday, to find somewhere else to stay. I dont understand how it's so hard to be around a person that you shared and built this life with. Like I dont even know how to handle that right now. That's the wrong thing you can say to someone, who despite all of your faults and mistakes adores you. I only wish for the best for Andre I really do. i dont want to hate him, I love him very much and I know that I have ti have a somewhat decent cordial relationship for the sake of our daughter, but i am just so angry, and I know that's ok.