We Dropped The Bomb 

This last monday we sat the kids down on the couch between us and told them we were going to be divorced.  Sitting with them between us was my idea, I thought it would be helpful to sit together and show a united front.  My stbx (as the instigator in this divorce) was the one to break the news.  After he dropped the bomb, we made it clear that it was in no way their fault and that sometimes adults have very big problems that just can't be fixed.  And they are both very special and that we both love them very much.  And even though our living arrangements would be different now, we both love them and we both will always be there for them. 

I was surprised by my oldest's non-reaction and easy acceptance.  But some comments he said later (" I thought you guys were getting along really well") showed me that he was still surprised.  Our youngest started crying right away, though, and that was really hard for me.  I suggested a 'group hug' after the news and then we played some board games to leave things on a happier note.  That really helped cheer him up.  But later that night, as he was getting ready for bed, he asked me this question,

"How long are you going to be divorced?"   
"What do you mean 'how long'?"  ( I was confused)
"How long.  Some people when they get divorced get married again later."

So cute.  The sweetness of it brought tears to my eyes.

It's been a few days now and they seem to be doing all right.  Last night I got my first pang of reality, though.  My stbx hung out with the kids while I was at a ballgame with my co-workers (our "company activity") and when I got home he was already gone with some of his things.  The first time he took some stuff it was his clothes and I appreciated the space left in the walk in closet.  But this time he took his dresser and his computer desk and the large void in my bedroom was staring me in the face when I got home.  A rude awakening.  It definitely made it feel more real.  So now my printer sits on the floor and my laptop on a hassock.

My depressed "bad" days have become fewer and farther apart.  I used to cry about the ending of my mariage but I must admit that the last couple weeks I have barely shed a tear.  I have no idea what that means.  But it feels real now and I still feel ready for this new reality.  Months ago I thought being without him would kill me but now I feel stronger and more capable of handling whatever comes next.  Maybe there is some light at the end of the tunnel after all.