I work with a lot of broken families, and of course am divorced myself. What bothers me most is some parents see the children as an object, or a way to control the other parent. It’s almost like fighting over a car or the house.
I had a reader email me and ask me what type of custody agreement I have with my ex, especially with the medical problems I’m now facing with my little man, and if we’ve had any problems agreeing on decisions regarding his care. The short answer to the latter is no, he’s afraid of me.
O.k. Just kidding. But, you know, he might be………
Here’s the honest answer. We have joint custody of the monsters, with physical custody remaining with me. It sounds complicated, but it’s not. They live with me, he gets usual state guideline visitations if we start disagreeing, otherwise we handle things ourselves. When it comes to medical, religious, and educational decisions we make those decisions together. Rarely does he disagree with something I decide. Like I said, I’m 5'3? and pretty mean looking.
The ex asked for this type of custody. At first I didn’t want anything with the word “joint custody” anywhere in the decree. But I did my research by talking to other divorced parents, my lawyer, my family, and listened to his side by trying to listen reasonably and put aside my own hurt and anger over his exra-marital activities. My lawyer said he encourages it because it makes fathers feel more involved, encouraging them to be more active fathers, without giving them full joint custody. Basically, he said, it was a different way of wording things because even if I had sole custody, he could still disagree and force mediation, so giving in on this point was more for my kids sense of belonging to both parents.
In short, he had a father growing up who was not a part of his life, and he felt that joint legal custody was his way of showing the children he wanted to be and would always do his best to be part of their lives. I don’t believe in joint custody. I think a small child needs to know where home is and not move from home to home every other week, trying to keep household rules and routines straight. A child needs their room, their toys, their main caregiver, and their routine to be consistent to feel secure and grow up confident and well adjusted. You may disagree, and I’ve dealt with parents who have that arrangement, but my I didn’t want my kids living that way. Some kids have two daycares, two sets of friends. You get the picture. I wanted sole custody, but he felt if he agreed to that the kids would think he didn’t want them around or care about them.
If we ever had a huge disagreement on something important, power would probably default to me in an emergency situation because I have physical custody and otherwise it would go into family mediation. We’ve not had that problem. We disagree, but it usually works out.
In fact, when we saw the pediactric G.I. specialist, we both went and so did the ex’s mother. The doctor had no idea we were divorced and started prodding to see if there was any turmoil in the home that might be causing anxiety and my son’s stomach problems. It was pretty funny when I told him no, that actually we got along pretty well and that I was sitting there in the room with my ex-husband and ex-mother-in-law. He was clueless!
Don’t get the idea that we are best buddies. I don’t approve of a lot of the things he does now, and neither do my kids. At the kids’ request, his weekend visitation is at his mom’s house and not where he lives with his girlfriend. But, my point is, it’s a lot easier on my kids (and especially my suddenly sick son) if I bite my tongue, swollow my pride, and get along with him. I still have lots of hard feelings. I make faces at him when I have to talk to him on the phone(when the kids aren’t around), his ringtone on my cell phone is “Here’s a Quarter, Call Someone Who Cares”. Sometimes I don’t want to look at him and head him off as he pulls up to get the kids to keep him off the porch.
Those are all natural feelings to have and not acknowledging them would make me crazy(er) than I already am. My point is, anyone can act for a few minutes a week for the sake of their kids. After a while you’ll get pretty good at it. And sometimes a little bit of wording in a custody agreement can make a huge difference to your children.