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A Sense Of Sadness 

Well, I am just sad today because there has been absolutely no discussions or even emails regarding issues within our marriage since last Tuesday...

My confidence is slipping away...

I am slipping away...

I will cry with him when I end this pain for myself...

But I cannot empathize or sympathize for him when he says that he never knew it was bad enough that I wanted a divorce...

I cannot look into his eyes when he tells me that I am the one that will be giving up on him and the vows I took...

I cannot look into his eyes when he tells me that he only wants me and he is committed to me and making this marriage work...

It will feel like daggers to me because I had so much faith in him...until he proved again that he doesn't want to do any hard work to make a marriage work, and communication to be healthy between us...

There are times I just wish he was actually fucking another woman...because this feeling of stringing me along and promises to try and professions of love and loyalty only to have no effort put in while I wear myself down to exhaustion is just too painful.

The betrayal of what he is doing to me now hurts worse than if he was fucking another woman...because he is so loyal and committed...but he doesn't know that betrayal can happen in so many different ways and for his wife to be begging and pleading and for him to shy away from it is the worst possible form of pain for me...

I cannot fall into those sweet words of apologies and the vindictive words that will be said when he truly sees that he is losing me more and more each day and that my faith in him is bleeding from me with each tear I cry...

Maybe he really doesn't have the potential that I thought he did...

Maybe one day HE will see that I am not worried about what others think about who is "at fault" and that I was not the one that gave up without a fight that took me to the absolute edge of reason and reality...

I only hope that some day he will know that you have to fight for what you want and believe in...not just ignore it and hope it stays there forever by the loving words said in some moments of peace...

He just isn't fighting as hard as I did and still am...and my energy is drained...and I am falling under...

I will be gone and I feel sorry for him...but I will not turn back this time...
by Aimless  302 Posts 
Posted on 5/19/2008 4:40 PM
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Comments for "A Sense Of Sadness"  (3) (You must be logged in to answer)
I have begged for 8 years for counseling and when he realized that I was serious about my ultimatum of divorce or counseling, he gave in and said he would do counseling with me.

We have only had a few sessions, but he is not doing what the therapist even assigned him to do (I write about it in a few other previous journals).  He was supposed to discuss issues that he has with me in our marriage every other day for 2 weeks...a week has gone by and he has only brought up 1 issue, and even that was very vague (check out my post titled "I'm Supposed To Be Content Right Now?").

We all have problems and I completely understand this and it is why I have been trying for so long and telling him for so long that the abuse between us needs to stop.  I have been upfront and honest with him to the point that he tells me to just shut up and stop talking...

He just isn't giving the effort because he feels that if we "ignore" things and simply be civil to each other, then life is perfectly fine.  I have cried and begged and even went to counseling alone and he just won't put in the effort that it takes to heal things - there is physical and verbal/mental abuse throughout our entire 11 year relationship and I had a 1 night affair last year...

I cannot pinpoint 1 exact thing that has gotten me to this point, but with him not doing the assignment that our therapist gave us to do (I'm not supposed to bring up any issues and he is to bring something up to me every other day), it is just another notch in the belt that his effort wanes after a short time and he probably does believe that it is "nonsense" (his exact words to me) that a marriage takes work...

It takes work and after all of these years, I've worked on myself and begged for him to work with me...

I'm exhausted after all of this...
by Aimless   302 Posts
Posted on 5/20/2008 10:25 AM
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Aimless, you sound painfully like what my stbx must be feeling. Except for the fact that I'm the one who continues to hold out hope and is fighting to save our marriage. She is the one who is giving up and doesn't want to communicate. What did he do to make you resent him? I'm asking so I can better understand what my stbx is feeling. We haven't spoken since she tossed me out of the house a month ago today. I don't know what pushed her over the edge. Well in a way I do, I have flaws. But don't we all? We all have issues that can be addressed. Have you tried counseling? My stbx won't consider that as an option, but I think it's worth trying if you want to save your marriage
by nowareman   58 Posts
Posted on 5/20/2008 10:05 AM
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