It's all about the kids
I somehow managed to show up for our marriage counseling last Friday, and everything turned out just as I expected they would. I expressed my anger over being in a limbo as well as not having control of my life. I made the decision to cut him off my life completely as well as the kids'. Of course the therapist wasn't pleased with my decision but at the time I didn't care about anyone else's feelings.
Then my son came to me and spoke about his take on the current situation. I was taken aback by what he told me, for a 13 year old who doesn't normally say much, he gave me an earful. He said that he doesn't like being a "messenger" between his parents and even though no one asked him to choose sides, he said that when we(adults) stop communicating, he feels like he has to take sides. He asked me to please consider his feelings as well before I make any decisions as they usually impact him and his sister. After our talk , I cried.
It felt like a bucket of cold water was thrown in my face. It took a lot for my son to open up about his feelings and I've never been more proud of him. He knew ,despite not hearing anything from myself and my unhusband that day , that things somehow changed for the worse. My precious boy! He recognized my feelings first but knew that he had to tell me about his own needs that I wasn't meeting because of my pain. God! How could I have been so callous when it came to my children's feelings. I have been so selfish and did not consider how my decisions affected them.
Through all these, I promised that I wasn't going to do anything to put the kids in the middle of this mess, yet that is exactly what I did. So, to rectify my mistake I vowed to my kids that it'll never happen again. I can't afford to destroy my kids in the process. I called the marriage counselor and asked to see her for the date that she saved for me to see if I've cooled down. I told her that I'm still angry but knowing what this is doing to my kids, is enough for me to pull myself together and focus. It'll be a session for co-parenting as a goal. I sent him an e-mail acknowledging the need for us to recognize the impact that our current situation is having on the kids and that for the kids' sake, I'm willing to be in the same room as he is. I won't like it but then again, this isn't about me any longer. My heart is broken and it'll take time to heal, in the meantime, we have to make sure that we don't shatter the kids' as well.
