Just roll the dice 

Last week seemed to be a barrage of angry journal entries and this week... well... everything is fine. I took a trip up to the house this weekend to pack some odds and ends. We are hopefully closing in early June and I wanted to make sure nothing of importance was left behind. The ex met me there (as I still don't have keys) and all went fine. He even helped. These are the things that keep me trying at that civility thing but even in ok times I'm realizing it's a simple roll of the dice. One just never knows how a day in particular will go and I'm not quite convinced that the rare days of civility are worth the effort.

Suddenly he's concerned that I've lost so much weight. Suddenly he's sorry for yelling at me for putting the kid's gate up crooked in the doorway (which I wouldn't have done if he'd just put it up himself one of the 50 times I asked him to). Suddenly I don't care. He's concerned and sorry today. He's mad and yelling tomorrow. Either way, I don't care. Oh, for the girls I do. Everyone who follows my journey knows I do but for me.... not so much. There has been a very long stretch of time that I did care. I wanted so much for us to get along even though I didn't want to be together. Many of you know I tried. Now it seems my way of thinking is beginning to change. We will probably never get along completely. The fact is we've hurt each other in so many ways and maybe it's just better if we don't get along. I don't mean it's ok to argue all the time but distance and minimal intrusiveness may be key here. At this point I just want my own life. I'm tired of caring.