what total surrender feels like
well, i'm pretty sure my soon to be ex husband is going to fight the settlement offer made to him last monday - and i'm to the point of just totally giving up everything.
i was laid off my job the day after he left me, and have burned thru my severance pay and am down to nothing. if i'd kept my job, i'd have been able to keep the house & my pets - but that's now seeming to be a lost cause. i'm ready to contact my attny and have him tell my husband let's just sell the house, take the loss in the bad economy and move away and start over.
the real reason i'd ever wanted to keep the house was if he wanted to get back together, and since he's told me his emo affair has been romantic all along, i see no point in continuing to try to keep that dream alive any longer. the move away to a small town might be good for me. the last thing i want to do is to run into him & her and the babies that they are probably going to have as soon as possible. he & i are both 41, she's 25. i have a chronic pain condition and am infertile. he says he left because i was a terrible house keeper and there wasn't enough sex. even though i stuck by him for years of his AA meetings and sobriety, he doesn't want to stay with me. i think the real reasons are i got fat & couldn't have kids. i did work full time, take care of the house and go to grad school. i also spent money on credit cards & hid it from him because i was so depressed. so i did bad stuff, too - i own that part in it, but i never would have cheated on him. he thinks being with another woman is not as bad as spending that money.
i feel like i've been hanging on too tightly because i'm afraid of change for myself, and my co dependent behavior. i'm so sad, and depressed feeling totally unloved and unwanted - like an old bag of trash on the highway. it's like going to a funeral everyday for five months. i'm now willing to lose everything, give it all up, declare bankruptcy if that's what it takes. this is what total surrender feels like.
he called me on friday to ask if there's any mail, and then says that's the only reason i called and hangs up on me. it's as if he thinks that's going to hurt me now - after months of dating this kid, lying to me, leading me on that we might get back together, his hiding $80k from a real estate deal, watching me suffer for months being unemployed, finding cysts on my lymph nodes in both of my breasts from infertility treatments, etc.
he thinks hanging up on me hurts me. i just don't even feel anything anymore. i've been on antidepressants since january - and i'm not kidding you. my naturally curly hair has gone flat. it used to practically be an afro, and even the life has gone out of my hair. i've lost 50 pounds (which is about the only good thing), chain smoking, etc. and have other medical issues with my heart - and i just feel like i don't have a lick of fight left in me anymore.
this is an all new bottom for me, and i hope to God that soon - there will be a ray of sunshine. a break in the clouds. a job interview, a job offer - something to help me with this funk.
anybody out there hit a new bottom and bounce back? i could really do with a good - been there, now i'm great story because right now, it's looking like i've lost it all. my job, my lover, my husband, my marriage, my home, my pets... i don't have a lot left and am now just wanting to lie in bed all day. bathing & eating are like chores... it's been three months since he left and it just seems like blow after blow keeps coming my way.
