My Future without Him 

"I just don't believe in divorce". I used to say that to people. I used to say that to myself.  

The process of allowing myself to consider, and ultimately pursue a divorce was probably the biggest challenge of my life thus far.
I don't want to find myself on the exteme other side of divorce, either. I value marriage and commitment and ultimately love, and I dont expect to be happy all the time. But I do refuse to be consistently unhappy, and unfulfilled.  

The thread started to unravel rather early on in my story, newly married and pregnant I found myself in a situation I never imagined in a million years; cheated on. I simply refused it. I see now that not only was I unwilling to let go of the man, I was unwilling to let go of the vision.

We all start off marriage with this vision, this seductive narrative of a wholesome life. And as the red flags appear, we just run them over with the mini-van. I suppose that is how it should be, afterall, we promise our lives to each other, at the very least it seems right to give second chances. And thirds. And fourths? I am a seeker by nature and as I sought out the things that brought me peace I found myself farther and farther away from my husband.

I began to notice the things I had been willing to overlook at one time, his sharp and condescending way of talking to me, his focus on his career and money being the only priority. I started writing down the things he said to me. I brought them to counselors, trying to figure out what normal was. He said I was too sensitive. Our mutual interests were non-existent, he continued to go to bars with friends and I read poetry online.

I remember getting a sitter on one occasion to check up on him at the bar and sure enough he was in a corner talking to the one woman I had asked him to avoid...I dont think anything happened between them but I do remember feeling an awful feeling that night. Apathy. If there is one lesson I have learned through this that stands out, it is that we can slaughter love. Through all the millions of ways we hurt each other and dismissed each other, daily, we just killed it. It was the big things, but it was the little things too. And I had my part. I was cold and distant.
I was unavailable and lacked the desire to fix anything; there was no reservoir to replenish my weary heart. I prayed. Meditated. Tried to find the answer when the one I was drawn to was completely counter to what I thought was right. I recommitted myself.

Then, the day I least expected it he came home in a fowl mood and said some things about the frozen pizza I was making and my character, and I just knew. I saw my children watching this and felt pain, there are many things I was uncertain of but I knew with a fierce clarity that this was not what I wanted as their model for love. I told him to leave and sadness pervaded the house, there was no glee or retaliation in seeing him suffer. I took the children for a walk along the breezy golf course, the sun was setting, of course. I had been with this man for 13 years and had just turned 34. So, for the first time, I allowed myself to peer into my future without him.