Mary asked me a great question, one I've been asked before, "What if you stopped taking care of everything?" or to that effect. I know the world would still turn but I have a million excuses as to why I do this. They all seem perfectly valid in my head but when it comes right down to it I guess it's because I need to feel some control over things. While I recognize this, it's entirely easier to admit then to change. Yesterday I took a step toward change.

After a wonderful back and forth with my ex regarding child support (I think he pays too little he thinks he pays too much... ya know.. the usual) it dawned on me. I don't have to do this! I don't have to take care of this! There are people (namely the state) who will gladly do everything FOR me. They will calculate, collect and deal with everything child support. I was perfectly aware such an agency existed but in my mind I didn't need them; I could handle this myself. In the interest of civility of course. Unfortunately we all know what often happens to the best laid plans and so it goes. And so, after this particular conversation I made a decision. I voiced my decision to my ex (as a continued try at civility and decency) and then I DID IT! I actually took myself down to family court and handed the controls over to them. AHHH.....

Honestly, it's one of the harder things I've done in my life. Not number one but way up there. It's difficult for me to admit that I either can not take care of something or I need help. Definately my own issue but one I am aware of on a daily basis. Handing over that petition was a mix of emotions... I was mad that I had to do this, I was sad because I felt like somehow I was betraying my ex, I was disappointed in myself but at the same time I was relieved and proud. It's complicated I suppose. At this point I'm over the disappointment and much more concentrated on the pride part though I do still feel a bit bad. My ex does pay support and I don't want to label him as a bad father because he isn't, it's just... well... he's difficult and I have a full enough plate. That's just the truth. So, wish me luck!