Making the decision to seperate is brutal but the practical application of it may be even worse, it seems.
As he drove away from our house, I was consumed with worry for him, he seemed like a lost child and I knew he had no where to go.
I would obviously stay in our home. With the children. I assumed that was the natural thing to do and proceeded with that plan immediately.
The first few nights were awful, the house felt foreign and I wondered where he was and how he was doing constantly. In the late evenings I began spotting his car parked in various places outside and realized he hadnt been able to leave. I suppose he would work or go out with friends than come home. It was wrenching, and difficult. He wasnt taking this seriously and I knew it. The reality of this being permanent was simply unthinkable to him and so he refused it...I understood and wanted to make things easy on all of us. Pain couldnt be avoided entirely but there had to be a path that was softer than others and I hunted for it.
Change can be so hard and the comfort of familiarity, however unpleasant, beckons. I focused my attention on the moment, tried to think of the next best thing to do in it's smallest forms. I began working harder with my career and focusing on our children, eventually I realized he wasnt even making plans to find an apartment and some of our conditioning was simply that I always took care of our home, his home, and he was at a disadvantage of even knowing how to do that.
I rented a studio for him a block from our house. It was behind a larger home, with an intact family living in the front and there nightly dinner and laughter wafted toward the apartment.
It was terribly depressing and lonely. So I told him to move back in the house and took the studio for myself.
I believe I walked through some of my biggest fears there. It was so basic and insecure. Nothing was familiar or solid. I found solace in knowing that the only thing that would ever provide me with real security was going to come from within.
Like a baby learning how to walk I took a larger condo nearby within a few months and eventually bought a sofa.
A fabulous antique pink velvet one.
Slowly, we began to build our own lives. Blindly grasping through unknown territory toward something real again, hoping to get there without completely demolishing the family that had to somehow prevail.