Cutting ties
I've gone through so many emotions the past few weeks. They've ranged from triumphant highs(when I've accomplished goals) to ambivalence and lately just wanting to feel indifferent. I just got off a long sometime unbearable conversation with my unhusband and I told him that I'm at the point that I am tired of waiting on God to give me peace about the whole situation. So ,I told him that we need to go ahead with the divorce and I'll sort things out later with God. I just don't want to see him walk out the door one more time after we had dinner, or feel good because he complimented my looks, or constantly ponder the magnitude of what we're losing here. I just don't want to care or feel anything anymore. I think I can make it somehow if I can just break away completely and not see him. The truth of this whole thing is that I love my husband but lines have been crossed. He is a good man, a good father, a great friend, highly intelligent but there had been to much trauma from my illness that he had to go through and it's now at the point of no return. I am very sad, but I need to fix my broken heart somehow. I am seriously contemplating telling the marriage counselor that we're not coming because I'm done. I don't want to hope nor wait for the inevitable. Today, I believe that I'm accepting that it's over. I just wish that my heart will say the same thing.
I did tell him that I think it's best if we don't see each other at all. That we need to alternate being there for the kids activities and no more contact except in an emergency. He responds by telling me to keep praying about my decision and he'll call me on Thursday to see if I still feel the same. I thought, of course that's not how I feel but it's what I must do and why call on Thursday?
You see, false hope, I don't want it. I don't have room for it.
