When a spouse dies we assume the widow
or widower is going to grieve for a period of time—often for a long
time. But somehow when it comes to divorce people think they should
will themselves to “ just get over it.” Prolonged grieving feels
humiliating, as if you were giving your ex the satisfaction of
showing how much you care. Well, you have no choice. If you’re
going to move on, you have to move through grief.
Luckily, your path has been laid out
so you can gauge how far you’ve come. Elizabeth Kubler Ross, who
wrote about death and dying came up with the famous five stages of
grief after the death of a loved one. They are equally applicable to
divorce.
The danger is
feeling that you should pass neatly from one to the next in an
orderly manner. That’s not the way it works. You may zigzag back
and forth between stages for a long time until you get to the final
stage—acceptance.
Denial.
“This can’t possibly be happening to me.” Or, “I can’t
believe I’m actually leaving.” When my husband told me he was
leaving for someone else I felt like I’d entered the Twilight
Zone. How could this relationship that defined my entire existence
be ending? It’s impossible for the human organism to absorb an
enormous change without a lengthy transition. I had a hard time just
absorbing the reality that my marriage was over—that he was going
to leave—and wasn’t coming back. Until then I was in
denial—pretending that somehow I’d get him back and everything
would be the way it was.
Anger. “How could
he/she do this to me?” Or, “What did I do to deserve this?”
The rage that comes with divorce may be the most intense in human
experience. As Shakespeare said, “Hell Hath no Fury Like a Woman
Scorned.” Although men are more likely to actually assault or
even murder the woman that scorned them (think O.J. Simpson) women
certainly feel equally intense anger.
Bargaining.
“I promise I’ll change if only you won’t leave. Or,
“Maybe I should stick this out
and try to make it work”. It’s at this
stage that may couples sometimes actually get back together. Unlike
death, where there is no bargaining except in fantasy, often it
takes one partner walking out the door for the other to actually
change. Unfortunately, that change often comes too late. Bargaining
is the stage where spouses often humiliate themselves by begging and
pleading, making the situation and their self-esteem even worse.
Depression.
“I feel hopeless, nothing matters anymore,” or “I don’t
want to live without him or her.” This is the danger zone, where
you may become clinically depressed. Some people even commit
suicide during post-divorce depressions. Symptoms: Inability to
sleep, lack of energy, loss of appetite, loss of interest in things
you used to love, physical aches and pains. If you suspect you’re
depressed visit a therapist or at least your family doctor. Today’s
anti-depressants can help get you through the dark nights of the
soul that are so common after divorce.
Acceptance.
“This marriage is over. I’ll be OK now.” This is the
glorious moving on period, where you really can leave all that
anguish and pain behind. When it comes to divorce, however, you
have to deal with the anger first, and then come to terms with
either the guilt of being the one who left or forgiving the one who
left you. These tasks are difficult and will take time. You need
to give yourself that time.
