Dividing Your Loyalties
Today I started to wonder if I was subconsciously putting any influence on my sons to "reject" their father. As I mentioned in past posts - my stbxh has constantly lied to our sons and they have in turn drawn a line in the sand. I asked myself if I has any ownership in that & if so --- did I like it?
While I must admit there is this nasty vindicative part of me that would love nothing more than to have my ex suffer for the rest of his life. Seeing that I cannot inflict him with boils over his entire body - perhaps I was on some level "encouraging" our sons to divide their loyalties and place the lion share with me. Maybe I was so "pathetic" that they felt mom just wouldn't be able to handle it if they were also loyal to their father. When I thought about this - I felt awful. I sincerely hoped that wasn't the case. I didn't want to be responsible for their choice to not see their father. Because the reality is - in spite of what an idiot my ex is right now - they all still need each other. He was the most amazing father any of us had ever seen. Yes, now he is acting like a feral cat with no regard for them. But that is one long bridge to burn and I don't know if there would be any swimming back from it.
So I called each of them and asked. My oldest lives in another state where he just graduated from college. He is my child that I always called 1/3 Buddha 1/3 Spock and 1/3 Jimminy Cricket. : ) He said well don't want to hurt your feelings mom - but no. I am making these choices solely on my own. You and dad raised me right and because of that I cannot be in a relationship with him right now. I would like to - but I just can't. Then I called our other son - who is staying at his dad's (his dad was out on a bike ride) and asked him. He was a little more hesitant. I told him that I was FINE - that I would not be upset with him in ANY way if he still wanted to be with his dad. I would love and support whatever choice he made. I just didn't want him to feel he needed to make that choice based on me. He said that he wouldn't - but that he really needed to think about how he feels about it. He said that he is so angry with his dad - but that he will do what he wants -not what he thinks I may want him to do.
I am really glad I did that. I couldn't live with myself if I had a hand in ruining their relationship. I do feel compassion for my stbxh. WHY in the world would I? I think it's because for 26 1/2 years he was a great man. (we were together for 27 but the last 6 months he was a total ass!) I think he needs the boys more than they probably need him and I want my children to still feel the love of their father - no matter how hard it is to hear the rest.