After the anxiety of waiting for his return it actually wasn't too bad.  He called when he was getting close to home and we chatted for a while.  And surprise, surprise! he changed his mind about staying at home and decided to stay at the hangar (where he works) instead of commuting and wasting money on gas.  What a relief that was.  I really didn't want to co-habitate again and have to worry about his temper.

We decided to take the kids with us and go pick up some dinner and just hang out at my place.  Once he showed up it was very awkward at first but I had made up my mind to be neutral and friendly so I started with that right away.  I smiled and welcomed him back.  Things really started to relax during dinner though, when we all sat down together to eat.  We joked and laughed and were able to have a good time.

At one point after dinner the kids were upstairs and we were alone to talk about stuff.  It was very heartrending, he opened up to me about some things and he broke down and cried.  I feel so bad for him and all that he is going through in his head.  As the partner in this relationship who cheated, he is dealing with a lot of inner demons.  Being religious it is hard for him to come to terms with his actions and it makes him feel really worthless.  He is in such a dark place that he finds he has less control over his actions.

It really hurt me to see how he has been feeling these past months.  I felt so sorry for him while he was telling me about some of the things he'd been dealing with while he was training in PA.  He is dealing with a lot of mental issues too and I found out he has finally started seeing a counselor.   After all these years of promising me to see one of course he does it once we're split up.  Figures.  :-)  But I am glad he is finally getting help.  I still love him and hope things work out for him.  I'll especially be praying for his safety when he goes to Iraq this year.

We had a pretty good night playing video games with the kids and then sent them off to bed.  It was difficult to be alone after that because I still sensed the heavy attraction between us throughout the evening.  And the hug we shared before he left was very hard and lingering.  I pulled away first because I started to worry about where this might lead. To even consider reconciling this relationship would be very foolish.  He has sooooo many issues and has never been a good husband.  I am so glad he is getting the professional help he needs to hopefully turn his actions and his life around. 

He is planning on coming over again Wednesday after work and we'll see how that evening goes.  I just know whatever happens I need to be strong in my resolve to not take him back this time.  Every time I take him back I just get hurt all over again.  Sometimes I think he only wants me most when he feels he can't have me.   Or maybe he is just more willing to change when he can't have me. 

Even though he was the one that intiated this divorce I really need it too. I really need time away from him be able to step back and look at this relationship objectively.  Because I know that there is a lot of abuse patterns that have been set in place for the last 13 years of our marriage.  And I know that no matter how many times we've split he has not changed.  I feel that he has had his 3 strikes and is now out.  It is time to finally protect myself.