Yeash! Writers. Now there's an annoying group! What? Oh, I'm not a writer. Ask my publisher. Yeah, I know, I don't have one. I think that's my point. Then again, if I'm not a writer, do I need to make a point? 4 out of 5 non-readers of my non-writing agree: Rob has no point. See? Then again I didn't see the point of the DaVinci Code and they called Dan Brown a writer. I dunno.
Yeah, I do know. I'm a hater. Here's
the thing though: If the old woman and younger guy at the end of the
book are who the say they are, what's the purpose of the 300+ pages of
mediocre pulp that's wasted my time? If I wanted mediocre pulp, I'd
read through my old blog posts. They're free. Why free? That's right, I'm not a writer.
If I wanted a waste of time, I'd dwell on my divorce. Ok, fine, you got me there. So back to my point. Where was I? Raging against the writing machine...See, sometimes writers are as bad as actors. Oh,
they claim to want to hide behind convoluted schemes like Scooby Doo
villains, but they're just screaming to be tied down and unmasked.
"Oh Yes! Reveal me baby!"
They'd pee caricatures of themselves in the snow if they thought it would sell books.
So why is this non-writer railing on writers? I think it has to do with my writers' group. I blog about one or two of the personalities in my group and suddenly everybody thinks they need a character in my blog.
"Rob, why haven't you blogged about me?"
"Uhm, because you didn't strip down in Starbucks and sculpt Devil's Tower with macchiato/scone clay."
"Would that get me in your blog?"
"Uh, maybe…where did you go?"
"I'm ready for my close-up Mr. Blogwriter!"
"AHHHH! My eyes! My eyes!"
See? And right now every writer in the group is going, "That was me!" The reality is, I've already written about all of them. If they read my blog, they'd see themselves everywhere. That's the trick, they're writers, not readers. My group needs readers right now. I just had three new members offer to pay somebody to edit their work. Money to read? Dude, I'm in the wrong group!
I wonder if there is an editors group. That would be interesting.
"I liked your comma corrections on page 5, but I think your paragraph restructure on 14 ruined the flow."
"Bite me."
Ok, so editors don't take criticism any better than a Heather Mills divorce.
Writers' do take criticism well, because it points the spotlight back at them. If
it doesn't, then the critic becomes a molested corpse in their next
epic. So, while I'm preparing myself for the late night morgue party
let me say one more thing. Writers are hungry shark pimps when it comes to their books.
It's
like every third syllable to swim through their lips is a story
synopsis, complete with subplot breakdown, chapter breaks, and mom's
Tony the tiger review.
"Why, my daughter's pages? They're-" No, I'm not going to say it. It's also amazing how the book ends up in every discussion. Relevance? That's as unimportant as the book itself.
"Underwater sheep grooming? It's funny you should mention that. I wrote a book titled, Bedroom Dodgeball: Hits and misses."
Wha?
Ok. I guess in that, writers are no different than the rest of us. We start with a subject and it doesn't matter how irrelevant, we run with it like over eager relay racers. A few weeks ago I was in a gathering of non-writers (I fit right in, thank you). A young woman was getting married. How
did I know? Because every other word she spoke was about her fiancé
Khan Tamin. They were getting married on the eighth. She made sure we
all knew it too. Oh we weren't regal enough to
be invited, but we were common enough to share the knowledge. She spent
the night flitting conversation to conversation, spreading the word.
"Khan Tamin, Khan Tamin, Khan Tamin. Eight, eight, eight."
"Khan Tamin eight. Khan Tamin eight…"
Yeah, you get my point. By the time she was done, the evening was ruined. Why are you wincing? You weren't there. Oh that? That's just a joke a writer told me. Hate them.
We do the same thing in our divorce. We get on our soap box and shout filthy rhetoric about our exes. Maybe it's true, maybe it's just our spin cycle perspective.
Sure, we all need to vent, but the toxins that flow out can pollute other people towards us. Look at me; I've alienated myself from the world and I've got a horde of angry writers wielding mighty pens at my door. They'll have to get past MyUnwife. She's next in line and she's still pounding like a persistent solicitor.
As for you, your ex might not be mightier than the sword, but for strangers, it's best if he shares that quality on his own. Also, don't be a writer. Don't exaggerate the story because it sounds better than the truth. That'll only come back and blot you. Let your story reveal itself through fact.
MyUnwife doesn't need to say a thing. Every time I jot words to a page, I show off her truth for her. I don't do it eloquent justice. I'm not a writer. I am a non-writer, but that doesn't make me mute. So if you'll excuse me, it's snowing. I need to practice my pee caricatures.