Part of me wants to purge my feelings into this journal and the other part of me doesn't even want to dwell on it anymore.  Is this normal?  How do you know when you're recovering or when you're just in denial?  It seems like everytime I just get used to how I'm feeling something else pops up to make it worse.   Maybe this phase in my life is just a test to show me how resilient and strong I am because I keep getting bigger and bigger hurdles yet I eventually seem to learn how to jump high enough to make it over them.  I am either dealing with it or getting used to it, I'm not sure which.  Maybe both. 

Mothers day is this sunday and my unhusband is coming back into town to live with me for a while against my wishes.  But, as he so nicely pointed out, his name is on the lease and I will just have to deal with it.  He is driving back and leaves from PA tomorrow.  He thinks he will be home sunday or monday.  For my part, I hope it's the latter.  I'd rather his first day back not be on Mothers Day and be on a day I'm away at work.   I still don't understand why he wants to move back in for a while instead of finding someplace else to stay.  I have gotten used to the idea of having him back at home again but I'm still worried about how he's going to behave.  He can have a nasty temper.

I've been thinking a lot about my kids and Mothers Day.  My unhusband was always really terrible at doing anything special on that day.  There were years he did nothing at all and I'd have to try to hide my tears of disappointment.  One year I remember he handed me some money and told me to buy myself something.  That was just as bad. 

I don't know about anyone else but for me it's always been the thought that counted.  I've never needed expensive gifts, just a card or breakfast in bed would make my day.  Or, for gosh sakes, just say "Happy Mothers Day"!  Just show me you're thinking of me!!  He never did anything for his own mother on Mothers Day either, no gift or card.  Most years he never thought to call her. 

I see how little he thinks of her on those days and it scares me to think my own boys may grow up to follow in his footsteps.   My boys are 12 and 10 and I have thought about planting the seed of 'giving' on Mothers Day into their minds by giving them a small amount of money and taking them to a local dollar store or someplace they can just get me something small.  I don't know, is this a good idea?  Or am I just being extra sensitive to years of Mother Day Neglect?    

Once my unhusband is back home we will be starting the paperwork for our divorce.  We are not getting lawyers and are filing the paperwork ourselves.  Surprisingly, we have been able to agree on things and I feel that the child support amount we agreed on is satisfactory.  So we will have an 'uncontested divorce', which hopefully means 'quick divorce'.  Anyone have any idea how long that may take in MN?  

I am so tired of the pain I have been dealing with, for virtually our whole marriage.  It's been 13 years of hell.  13 years of abuse, lying, cheating, manipulating, sneaking and anything else you can think of.  I have been a doormat and have just took whatever he gave me and I really just need this to be over.  I'm ready to start the next phase of my life.  I am ready to heal and be happy.    

Comments for "starting the healing process?"  (0) (You must be logged in to answer)

Divorce360.com is not a substitute for advice from a lawyer, accountant, financial planner, therapist or other professional to obtain advice. Divorce360.com is not intended to, and should not, take the place of professional advice. The opinions expressed in the divorce360.com message boards are those of the author and the author alone. Divorce360.com does not endorse any specific product or service.