Living Together, Part II: Why Do People Care? 

It's already been established here that I'm new to the concept of dating men I actually like. Or at least that I like enough to care if/when I see or hear from them. I always thought that was a character flaw of mine -- that I either wasn't romantic or that I just didn't care enough about relationships to work at them. Since meeting Drama Geek, I've realized that the problem with my previous relationships might have been due to not being with the right person.

After all, I like Drama Geek. I enjoy hearing from him; I value our time together; and most importantly, I miss him when I am away from him. What sounds like normal romance to most people is really a shocking departure from reality for me. Because of that, it didn't surprise me at first when friends/acquaintainces starting asking if he was "the one." Admittedly, my friends have never seen me dote on a man before; they've never seen me smitten. To them, it's very obviously a case of true love. And when I'm all by myself, just me and my thoughts -- with no witnesses to mock me, I can admit it's not just a case of true love but also of love at first sight. Powerful stuff.

Given that fact, I should not have been surprised when others began asking when I was going to move in with him. Most of my friends and coworkers live with their significant others -- it is a societal norm. But I was surprised. However, I've come to terms with that shock. What's harder for me to figure out is why some people have such an issue with the idea of me choosing not to live with Drama Geek.

I am more accustomed to people like my cousin. She lives with her boyfriend and can't imagine ever getting married. Yet, when I told her I wasn't interested in mimicking her relationship, she shrugged her shoulders and said it was my life to live. Supportive, non-judgmental, nice.

Then there was my other close friend. She's been living with her boyfriend for about six months. She asked when we were moving in together in a challenging manner. The unspoken message was that if were as in love as we claimed, we should be taking the next step. When I told her I didn't plan to move in with him until after we were married, she became immediately defensive. I quickly noted that I had no moral issue with people who choose premarital cohabitation; it's just not a choice I feel is right for me.

Her response: "I would NEVER marry someone who I hadn't lived with for at least a year because I don't plan on ever getting divorced. I'm marrying once and only once."

Ummm...OK...but I have already ruined my chances at scoring a hole in one in the marriage department. So, that's not a reason to cohabitate. And I really don't believe that living together before marriage offers any more guarantees on the success of a relationship than not living together. After all, leaving Mr. Ex had absolutely nothing to do with conflict created by the act of living together. We actually lived together quite well -- it was everything else we struggled with. Drama Geek can attest to the same experience in his relationship. He's often likened his marriage to a roommate relationship -- and according to him, they were great friends and roommates. Again, their ability to live together had no bearing on the success or failure of their marriage.

But setting aside that debate, I have to wonder why on earth anybody cares how others choose to live their lives. Maybe I'm naive, but I am just not the type of person who goes around thinking I know how to live the lives of others better than they do. To be honest, minding my own business is a tall enough order; I don't have the energy to mind anyone else's. It seems, my friend, on the other hand, has time to spare.

She has some valid points: If Drama Geek and I moved in together now, getting married would be less immediate of a need and would give us more time to plan the type of wedding we want. Also, we would save lots of money by merging households.

But that all goes back to my belief on what marriage should be about. It should not be a nuisance that you try to circumvent and it should not be a matter of convenience. Marriage, to me, is about creating a life-long bond with another person.

Realistically, I don't think Drama Geek and I could get married until sometime next spring or summer. We might be able to swing it this October, but that would be pushing it. Though a year seems like a long time when thinking about the money spent on running two households and also when thinking of delaying the inevitable, it's really not that long at all. It's definitely not so far off in the future that living together becomes more attractive. The way I see it, having two households might prove to be quite convenient in the long run. It means he could have a convenient place to stay while carrying out some major home-improvement projects this summer.

It also gives us time to solidify our future goals and to focus on getting our individual lives in order before merging as a married couple. One thing that's important to me is that I don't enter into another marriage before I pay off debt incurred with Mr. Ex. I don't think it's fair to expect your second spouse to deal with a financial crunch created by your first spouse. Waiting a year will also give us plenty of time to plan the wedding we want and to work out compromises. I think you learn a lot about a person when planning a large-scale event with someone. It'll be interesting for me to discover how well he juggles the battle between what's practical and what's ideal.
I think it'll be interesting for him to see me shoulder true stress, which will come from having to deal with my family, friends and work while planning a major life event.

Spending a year working toward a shared goal will enable us to get to know each other better and also give us an opportunity to work together as a cohesive unit. And to me, that bodes well for the longevity of a marriage.