My stbxh has been trying to convince me to be best  friends with him.  So in an attempt to be nice and see if it was even possible I thought why not give it a try.  Well - maybe not the BEST part --- but at least the friends part.  I even agreed to a dinner out with our two sons before the oldest had to fly back to CA. 

Yes, I know - I have been warned that they want friendship WHEN it is convenient for them.  But as always - I gave him the benefit of the doubt and once again was made to be a fool.  I actually thought maybe just maybe we could be friends.  Then I quickly saw that what everyone was telling me is true.  Friendship after divorce is tricky at best and in my case all that I accomplished was getting my heart smashed again. 

Why did I agree?  I know it's because I was able to maintain some pseudo-closeness with him and keep him in my life.  Wasn't a friend better than nothing?  Sadly now I see - not in our case.  All that has happened is that I took him at his word that he truly wanted to be friends.  I told him that I felt I had been made a big enough fool while he still lived  with me and that he had broke my heart enough for 20 lifetimes - so please tread ever gently upon my heart.  Don't tell me you want to be friends and then act like I am a pest if I make contact. 

Last night was just another pathetic realization on my part that he is incapable of anything other than worshipping at the alter of all that is he who must be adored.  So - rather than continue to lay flowers and oranges at his altar - I made the choice to go cold turkey and stop contacting him in "person".  No more texting, no more phone calls.  No more pretending that he really wants to be friends and can be "there" for me. 

So tonight when I dropped off our younger son I had him call his dad to say he was on his way - rather than me doing it.  Rather than calling my stbxh to tell him I was on way back to pick our son up - I made sure my son had his cell on him when I dropped him off and called him instead.  Rather than texting or calling to let him know I had e-mailed him the details of our son's pending graduation - I had our son tell him. 

It sounds a bit childish doesn't it?  I just know that the minute I hear his voice my heart breaks into a million pieces and when I text him I spend too much time wondering if he'll text me back.  That's what friends would do - actually respond to a text.  I realized that he is the type of "one-way street" friend that no one wants.  You know the one --- you always have to call them, you are always putting yourself out there. 

Well - I've played the goof long enough.  Like a friend (yes, a REAL one) said to me ---- "hasn't he taken enough from you?  Hasn't he hurt you enough?  Why lay down and give him the chance to continue?"  Simple - because it was one last way I could hang on to what ever scraps he would throw my way.  Which is really sad - because for the last six months of our marriage I always felt like a beggar at a feast.  Only I couldn't even get a scrap thrown my way.

So - here I go.  Hope I can make it through the rest of the night without caving and coming up with some "reason" why I HAVE to call or text him.  I want to be strong.  I want to move on.  I just thought I could put off some of the pain if I did it in stages.  I was wrong.  This isn't easy and I just have to grit my teeth and go through the fire.  

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