The day my life changed.... 

My husband of nearly 19 years (together for 22 years total) called me home from work back in January and told me he was leaving. I was blindsided. We have two kids. The first thing I asked him was he someone which he said no. He told me that he had not loved me for the past couple of years and was not happy and felt like he was only there for the kids and resented me for it. We had different dreams, etc. I knew things were not good, but i had no idea that they were that bad. i was committed to my children, my husband, my marriage no matter what. For several weeks I blamed myself. But about a month ago, i came across something that blindsided me for a second. He was having an affair. Actually, the reason i found this website is because he had posted a heart wrenching journal about how he left his wife and kids  - getting support from everyone about how everyone felt so bad for him and what a difficult decision it must have been for him, blah blah blah. He even lied in his journal! He lied to me, his family, and his own journal. His nickname on this site even contains the initials of the woman he is having the affair with. I know that I sound like a crazy woman by now but I have been left with a teenage daughter and a little boy who is only in kindergarten to raise by myself. I have been devastated by a man who i have spent more than half of my life with. Someone that i loved and trusted. My little boy has been in counseling from the beginning and my daughter starts in two weeks. I hope to continue to post journals. I am new at this. I need another outlet. I have been beat down so bad emotionally. I can only come up. I am pretty sure that he is not active on his account any longer since he is pretty much moved on with his new life. He has gotten past the initial guilt. he has his girlfriend. he told his family and friends. Everything is out in the open now. The divorce is in progress. Things are getting ugly. It is hard for me to even look at him. Speak to him. Which is difficult since we have to talk about the kids. Emails and texts and phone calls get ugly. I have been a good person all of my life but i have not been my self for many weeks now. I started a new job which has been an added stress. My sister and friends are my rocks. They are all I have. I am trying to be a good mom but i don't know if I am being good enough. Making the right decisions. Saying the right things. I cry a lot. I don't like for them to see me cry. I have my good days and bad days. I just don't understand how someone that i have known more than half of my life could hurt me so bad. He keeps saying that he is done with me. He is done hurting me. But what he doesn't understand and will never understand is that the hurt will always be there. I feel like a piece of trash that he has thrown away. It is only going to get worse because the other woman wants to meet my children. My children.