I talked with my ex tonight and it went really badly.  Lately when we talk it's been pretty cordial, sometimes even downright pleasant.  Well that came to a halt today.  He has been training in another state and soon will be coming home for a few weeks before deploying for the middle east.  It has been nice having him away while I get used to the idea of being a single mom.  I have always been so weak when it came to him and put up with a lot more than I should have throughout our marriage- his yelling in my face, holding me down and pushing me around, punching holes in doors ("it's better than hitting you"), calling me names, lying, manipulating, hiding things from me, talking to and meeting his exgirlfriend behind my back, and then lately admitting to this affair. 
 
Once he admitted to the affair (after he left for training) and he said he wanted a divorce I told him he'd have to find someplace else to stay when he came back home.  He seemed okay with it at the time (that was early March) but now that he will be coming home soon I guess he has changed his mind.   A couple weeks ago he tried to talk me into leaving my home and staying somewhere else while he stayed here with the kids so he could "pack".  Obviously I said no and he dropped it.
 
He brought it up again tonight and got very angry when I turned him down again.  But how could I trust this man?  For all I know he would plan on using that time to create mischief for me.  I could never abandon my home while he stayed here and did who knows what.  And I know I couldn't have him stay with me, that would be unbearable.  What if he got violent?  What if (heaven forbid) he said he wanted me back and I was weak enough to say yes again?!  I cannot put myself through anymore risk.  I realize he will be leaving soon and would like to see the kids.  That's great!  He can come over every night for all I care but he cannot live here. 

This man has lied to me so much and so convincingly.  After the last time I took him back I asked him if he had an affair or anything to confess.  He said  "no, there has never been anyone but you" and " I am committed to this relationship 100 percent"!  He would say this while his eyes were wet with tears, holding my hand and looking me straight in the eye.  How can someone lie so easily and with tears in their eyes?!  I didn't quite believe him and I would ask him peiodically over the last couple years.  He always said the same thing and always with the tears.  Wow, I knew he was a liar but I never realized he was that bad.  And the scarey thing is I was starting to believe him.  What a shocker when he finally confessed and said he wanted a divorce.  Anyway, I digress...

Everyday has been a little easier and I have been managing with my pain.  I have not been looking forward to him being back and seeing him because I know how hard that is going to be.  Now I am worried about how upset and pushy he is going to be when he gets back.  I'm renting a place, but am seriously considering changing the locks because I'm worried he will not give me the key back.  He could come in and do stuff while I'm at work. 

I have all these worries and have lately also dealt with the death of a father figure (my grandpa, who raised me) and this past week my kids have been sick.  My youngest has been sick since last Saturday.  I have a PT job and don't dare do anything to jeopardize it, it's my only lifeline if my unhusband refuses me money.  (Plus they'll be offering me FT shortly)So I have been driving my sick kid to grandma's, a half hour away, early in the morning before work and picking him up after.  I am just so worn out!  And after talking to my unhusband tonight I feel like I have aged 30 years.  I feel that I cannot handle anymore but maybe fate is determined to prove me wrong by throwing more crap my way.

I'm exhausted.

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