About my situation 

This is such a long story. I've been running from myself for 50yrs. And want this cycle too finaly stopping. Yet so personal and making it public. I had a disfunctional family, beatings, verbal abuse etc. the norm I guess in those days. I have had a very interesting life in playing the field and confussed for so long. Being Bi for so long and fianly stopped that deniel. In the process i caught hiv then after all this time, at age 24 then turned into aids for 24 yrs. In this time I've tried for so long to help my mother to understand. But being the way society is and hatefull and almost get murdered over it it has been a very scary life. So each and everytime I set myself up when something scary happens to my health and call her, she's hatefull. IT HURTS EACH TIME. But I must be a gulent for punishment. Someone I've helped raise three other family members and taking care of her swollen face from my father that left us six when I was twelve. As of the April 29th 08 I got it again. Even thou I called in fear of surgery on the 1st of May 08. Her hatefull self did it again leaving me crying for two days. Then I got my sister in the middle of it, who is the only one that excepts me unconditional. I hurt her cus of what I said. I don't want to know when her mother dies nor do i want her to know when i do. And at this time I could stop the medicines that I'm so sick in tired of taking, to stop them to make this happen quicker, I mean after 24 yrs I'm sick and tired of it. I reallly want to divorce my mother and change my last name and want to know if anyone could help me in a direction. Please. There's nothing more than what I want is to take it and shuve something in her face to hurt her as much as she has done it to me. She's the something that was always missing from my life even when I was younger she was never there working and the bar is were she was. She taught me to clean, cook and babysit at age twelve the year my x cop father left for another family in another state. After our names were in the paper. My dad was always in the paper. Then friends would ask why aren't we moving in embarresment I ran. That's how I knew I was safe and ran and ran all my life and so tired. this is embarresing just to do this. Yes I've had to stop my antidepressents so abuption of it has caused this emotional time.