Empty inside 

My life had not been enjoyable at all the last four days. I've had more anxiety-filled days because of the fact that I need to do well on my  proficiency exams in order to proceed in my progress for school. I thought I was doing well but yesterday was a real low point for me. I missed the passing grade by ONE POINT!!!! I'm so mad at myself for not making it. There was nothing anyone could do to make me feel better. Not even my unhusband. As a matter if fact, when he offered to talk, I ended up feeling worse. I declined his offer because I didn't want to fall apart in front of him. All I wanted was to be loved yesterday(especially) and with that came the realization that my marriage is over. I never wanted to utter those words, but yesterday there it was in plain sight. I was alone and had no shoulders to rest my weary head on to. Don't get me wrong, I still don't want a divorce, but what can I do? It's almost as if this is a case of "If you really love him let him go, if comes back then he's meant to be yours and if he doesn't he was never yours to begin with". I received several e-mails from him attempting to encourage me and with those e-mails came the ones he sent out to family and friends while I was in a coma fighting for my life. It made me feel so sad because it's again a magnification of what I'm losing here. In those e-mails he sent out, I can sense deep love and desperation as well as faith and hope. I guess somewhere along the 42 times I was admitted to the hospital he had gotten weary of hoping and his faith slowly went away and then resentment and anger took its place. It's so sad to know that 2 years later, I'm better healt wise and willing to make it work but my husband is weary. I believe he's  afraid of wasting more time with me when he has no guarantee I'm actually going to be healthy enough for the rest of my life. My memory may falter but I do know this much, the void that I have in my heart is so overwhelming that I don't need to remember the past to recognize how much I love him. In all of these, I'm trusting that God will sustain me and eventually allow me to have peace so that I can heal from this hurt and be able to move forward with or without my husband.