Moving on, just a matter of time 

Wow, I have never wrote in a Journal where other people can read. But that is only because I was always affraid that if people knew how my husband made me feel they would just tell me to leave. I love my husband very much  but I also have realized that the feeling is not mutual. I have decided to file for a divorce and even though I say I want to wait till the right time, it will never be the right time. He is in school right now and its over on Friday. I think since he's already going to take a vacation on Saturday for one week without me, that this is going to be the right time. I am having a surgical procedure on Wednesday and all he can worry about is going out with his classmates to get drunk and stay the night at the school. I really just cant believe that he would choose to do this at a time when I really need the support a husband should give. I am not having open heart surgery or anything like that but I am being put to sleep and that worries me a bit, I will have my family there and I guess I thought my family included my husband but I have realized in this past year - he is not part of my family and I am not part of his. This marriage will never work and we both know it, he is so worried about what I want to try to take from him that he keeps everything a secret and out of this house, well little does he know I don't want anything from him and I am ready to walk away from this with nothing. I don't think that I should have to start over with a home, but hey - I would not want to live in this house anyway it has too many bad memories in here anyway. I believe that I would just move away to PA, where I have some family and start my life over. The only good thing is that we don''t have any children together and there will be no reason to stay in contact with him once I have moved out of his home. I will not forward any of my information to him and I will have my phone numbers changed along with anyone in my family that he may have. Which isnt very many numbers since he really wasnt part of my family in the first place. My dads birthday was on Saturday and he didnt even say Happy Birthday to him, but my husband did find time to hang out with his co-worker for many hours and went out to eat with him but he wasnt able to find time to go to my parents house who are very ill to spend an hour or two with them. He is a very selfish person and only thinks about himself. Little does he know I will make him the happiest person ever when I don't ask for one little thing from him. I don't need to have a penny from him, I will get a second job and save my money in order to buy my own home. I will try to spend as little time at his home in the meantime, one thing I won't do is move out right now with out having a place to go and have room for my belongings. I did that many times when we dated and I refuse to do that again. He can have this house, but Im living in it until I can find a place of my own that I can afford. He happens to have a "memory" problem when it comes to me, just like my surgery he says you didnt tell me, he knew he didnt want me to make him pick from going out drinking and taking care of me. Which I have come to realize that he would never be the person who would take care of me. He's 52 years old and I am almost 36, you would think that he would be happy that he has someone who is attrative and who loved him regardless of his age, I accepted him the way he was but he doesnt accept me and is always trying to make me think that I ask for too much like a phone call, a kiss goodnight, a I Love You every once in a while and crap just some respect and to be in his thoughts occasionally. Well as you see I have no problem with writing my feelings down this is how I have to survive in the marriage im in now, I just write all night while he's out working or whatever he's doing I have to write down my feelings cause he wont discuss them or validate any of them, It's his way or the highway. Guess Im taking the Highway now. Im done letting him have it his way.