The first thoughts of divorce 

The first real thought mixed with a plan for my divorce was almost jarring.
Driving alongside my mother on vacation in Santa Barbara, a Kenny Rogers fast food restaraunt whizzes by her head and I think, "I am going to leave him."It was different than a typical, 'this is unpleasant', or 'were just not getting along these days' feeling. It had momentum and clarity behind it. I knew that at some point, I would leave him.

I also knew that it would not be right then.

I had flown out to visit my mother, following her release from the hospital for a stroke that almost took her life and he called on the second day to inform me that he had cheated. Again. I had barely been gone 48 hours. He neednt have called because I woke up early and knew it in my bones. I knew what would follow: the wrenching apologies, tears, understanding, patience, hope, maybe a dash of religion.  

I also knew I didnt have the strength to leave. 

A seed was planted though. A rotten, mutilated, broken feeling toward the future of my marriage. Inwardly, I began to think of my life alone and what I would need to be alright, at the time, I had a two year old son and was not ready to give up on him having the traditional family experience. The whole vision for my life seemed warped and out of focus. I tried to remain open to healing and moving on, but I can always pinpoint that moment, where I saw with absolute clarity, that when I felt stronger and was on my own terms, I would leave.So, I detached slowly, for several years actually. Trying to be guided by my own personal moral compass, which included staying married but refused being a martyr.  

At one point a wise older woman I knew commented, "You'll know when you know. You wont be asking me, you'll be telling me." And so it went. Getting a divorce is an awesome decision that should only be made in the solitude and comfort of the individuals heart. It is not going to be easy, but chances are, if you are really considering it, life probably doesent feel very easy anyway. Perhaps, because I did not react during the anger and hurt in the beginning, it allowed me the time to really try on the decision and hopefully move through the process with less pain.