Why am I such a “believer”?  Every since I was a small child I was teased about being the most gullible person alive.  It was looked at as a bad trait.  I have always trusted people and believed in them.  I always figured why would someone lie?  I’m not talking about  the “lies” of why yes I do love your new hair style.  But the big things.  The things that matter.  The things that make you who you are.

SO the question I have is why after everything that he has done and all the lies he has told me - is my 1st response that I believe him ---- or want to?  My guess is that I still want to believe that deep down he is the honest amazing man that I loved for 27 years.  I want to believe there is  one little spark of goodness left in him.  THEN even after I “catch” him in yet another lie - I still tend to believe him the next time his mouth moves.  I want so much for what he is saying to be true. 

So tonight after yet another conversation where he spun me a lovely web of lies (which I believed) -  I found out within hours that he was still lying and again I feel like a mugg for believing. 

People ask me all the time how in the world can I believe anything that falls out of his mouth.  I think it’s because I had over 26 years of him being honest and remarkable and only months of him being a consummate liar.  It feels more natural to believe him.

PLUS - I want to believe him because I want to believe that he will one day stop lying.  And more important that  he will decide there is something of value in having me as his “friend” and friends tell the truth.  That I matter more than getting away with yet another lie. 

How embarrassing is that?  Why would I think I matter?  He has shown me over & over all these months just how LITTLE I do matter --- so why don’t I believe that?  Pretty funny when you think about it.  I don’t believe it because I don’t want to. 

The thing is that in our marriage my husband was the guy all my family and friends longed for their spouse to be like.  People could look at us and tell how much we were in love.  AND I honestly NEVER thought in a million years he would stop loving me and want to leave.  He was so devoted that I was sure if anyone wanted to leave it would be me.  How self-centered is that?  I honestly always felt that he loved me far more than I could ever love him and that he would never go because of that love.  What a chump!
 
The other funny thing is that I always thought he was such a “better” person than I am --- that he had an innate goodness that I lacked and that he was just a good, good man and I could never be as “good” as he was.  That’s what is so ironic --- here I am the one who had enough love to go the distance and it turned out I wasn’t such a bad person after all.

Tomorrow it is just a mere three months since he walked out the door.  I alternately hate him and love him so much I think I will die from the pain.  There are days I feel so excited about my new life and have total belief that it will be spectacular. And then other days when I am sure it will just be a dark, lonely place.

 I think the truth lies somewhere in between.  I really, really believe that.