Confession From A Cheater 

Well, here is the whole ball of wax regarding me, being the adulterer in my marriage.  Not sure if I really ready for the nastiness that will definitely be thrown my way, some rightfully so and some not so rightfully so, but I really feel the need to get my side of an affair out in the open.

With that being said, I know that an affair has it's reasons that it happens and it is different for each person, so this is just my heart and soul being put out there.  Some of this will be a recap of how my husband and I met and got together, and some will be a recap of how I knew the man I had an affair with for much longer than I even knew my husband.

My husband and I met when I was 18, exactly 2 days before I turned 19 when I hosted a small birthday get-together at my apartment.  He was driving 1 of the girls and another of her male friends that had been invited to my party.  We hit it off fairly well, enough so that I decided to invite him to come back to my apartment after he dropped off the 2 people he was driving for.  My girlfriend called me when he dropped her off at her place and it was arranged that he would come back to my apartment.

My now-husband came back and spent the night with me, and the next, and the next, and every night after that.  After a month I asked him if he was just going to move his stuff into the apartment instead of living out of his duffel bag.  I officially added his name to my lease and 6 months after we met/had a recurring 1-night stand, he proposed and I accepted.  We married 18 months after we met.  We met in February of 1997 and got married September 1998. 

When I got engaged my now-husband told me that I was forbidden to speak to my ex-boyfriend, who was still calling me and even came over one morning to take me to work (it really was like a "fairy-tale" of these two men fighting for me - just too detailed right now to completely explain) and was still a friend of mine.  I loved my ex-boyfriend even though he truly put me through Hell on Earth and it hurt that I was forbidden to ever speak to him again, but I did as my then-fiance requested and I told my ex that I could no longer speak to him...forever.

I understand my now-husband's reaction of not wanting this man to be around in my life, especially when I was honest about what had happened between my ex and I, and there were times when I was still seeing my ex before my now-husband was in the picture.  To make a very long story short: 

I moved out of my mother's house when I was 17 (very long story but a lot of physical and verbal abuse) and met my ex-boyfriend shortly after I started my senior year in high school.  He was 19, married but separated with a 2 year old son, and my ex decided that he wanted/needed to move out of state (he had some legal problems - red flag I didn't care about at that point) and he asked me to move with him.  Moved from Texas to Nebraska in the middle of the night after I removed myself from school and hid from the police (my mother tried to claim my boyfriend was kidnapping me).  Lived with my boyfriend and had an apartment (though I was too young to sign a lease, so it was in his name) and he began to get too involved in drugs and we couldn't pay the rent very well.  I was at work one night and when I came home his stuff was gone...

Had to start from square one and resign a lease after begging the landlord to give me a chance again and let me sign the lease illegally.  I had no money and knew absolutely nobody in the city (I have NO family anywhere near - other states but not anywhere within real close distance) and was living on bread, mustard, ramen noodles and kool-aid.  My now ex was still coming around every so often and we still went on dates every so often.  I knew it was the drugs and I still loved him - he still loved me too - but he used me in a lot of ways and I let him use me in a lot of ways.  The thing is, we were actually friends, and when we didn't expect from each other what a real relationship was, we were perfect together!

So, I can see why my husband wanted me to never speak to him again - just hard to tell your best friend that you can never speak to them again for the rest of your life...

Fast forward 10 years and every so often in that time running across my ex's name every so often - about every 2 years or so (just seeing if he was alive, ever got divorced, and just genuinely caring if he ended up dead because of his drug use that I knew he was getting into).  January 2007 I ran across his name as I was looking up information for a friend of mine and realized that my ex was in town and again in trouble with the law from 2004. 

He had a sentencing date coming up and things really hit me hard...I had forgiven my ex for the horrible things he did to me and I had hoped that he had forgiven me for the things I did (hey, I was a 17 year old girl with a pretty psychotic way of handling things, so I wasn't always nice) and I wanted to make sure that I finally got to say the goodbye that I wanted to say all those years ago.I was forced into saying goodbye, so I never actually meant in my heart that I was wanting to say goodbye. 

I wanted to be able to say that I would miss him terribly but if we ever got the chance to meet on the street some day that at least there would be nice thoughts and not hatred.  I wanted to either close that final chapter in my life...or actually become friends again if I got the chance.I spoke to my husband that afternoon and told him that I ran across my ex's name and the circumstances and told him that since I actually had the day off of the sentencing anyway, I wanted the chance to actually tell him to his face these things I wanted to say. 

I had things I wanted and needed to say to close that, to show that I have grown up and matured over the years, to become an adult and say that I forgive and even though I did not like how I was treated in the relationship, he had been a great friend of mine.

My husband was SO not willing to even really hear what I had to say and he said adamantly, and rightly so, that there was no way I was going to be allowed to go to the courthouse.  There was nothing I needed to say to him...I took a vow and promised my husband that I would never speak to him again so there was nothing I needed to say...I needed to leave the past in the past...etc. 

I tried to explain why I felt I needed to do this, as it was something that weighed heavily on my heart for all of these years, because I ended the friendship quite rudely when my ex didn't want to give up our friendship as easily as my husband was making me end it, and I never got to do it face to face.

To my husband, it didn't matter...

A few days later I found out that my ex had been sentenced to 15 days in jail and as I saw that information, I spent a weekend thinking about it and told my husband that my ex was sentenced to jail time and I was feeling bad that I didn't get to say what I needed to say to feel at peace in my life.  On Monday morning, I decided on the spur of the moment that the words just had to come out, so I wrote a letter to my ex (which I will probably post so those that can accuse me of purposefully looking to have an affair and such can see the words I wrote before they completely judge me), had 2 of my closest friends read it (they work with me, so it was not difficult) to make sure I was well within reason without sounding like a stalker/psycho/mushy/anything that would be questionable.

I was scared to death and crying when I took the letter home at lunch, put it in an envelope and drove to the post office.  I was going through so many conflicting emotions, but finally cried hysterically as I put the letter in the mailbox because I knew that if I didn't do it now, I may never get the opportunity to do it again and I needed to take a risk to make peace in my soul.  I knew that I have always backed out of doing anything like, so this did bring me to absolute conflict, but after the letter dropped softly into the box, I felt a true sense of relief for the first time in a long time.

I was brave...I was scared shitless...I was forgiving...I was making peace...I was doing what I wanted to do 10 years ago but didn't...I was betraying my husband...I was going back on a promise I made 10 years previously...

I printed out a copy of the letter and when I got home from work that evening, I gave a copy to my husband and told him that at the last minute I decided to write and send the letter because I just had to get it all out of me.

He read the letter and I ruined all his trust in that moment.  He hated me and felt betrayed...I judged him because I put the letter in the mail before we discussed it and he "approved" the content because I knew he didn't want me to do it anyway.  I killed him...I didn't let him know before I did it and he didn't get to give his thoughts - I disregarded his feelings completely and was selfish.  I was so selfish and pre-judged what his reaction was going to be...In some ways, I am glad I did...

I was at work the next day and missed a phone call on my cell phone.  I didn't recognize the phone number, but as soon as I heard the voice on the message they left, I KNEW it was my ex.  Turns out he got released early and as he was walking out of the jail, they handed him my letter that had just arrived (this was verified so I know he wasn't making it up).

Had I waited until the previous night, he would have never gotten it...

My ex and I began talking on the phone and we caught up on the last 10 years of our lives.  We went to lunch one day (again, I was honest and up-front with my husband with this and told him before hand) and a friendship began to blossom again.  We both love each other...we always have and we always will...though I have grown enough that I knew I would never want an actual relationship with my ex again.  We are meant to be best friends...not life long partners...our expectations are just too different (he was/is a serial philanderer - I love him but don't love that aspect of him).

My ex and my husband finally met - my ex came over to our house to meet him (though after my ex heard about the physical abuse over the years, I have to give him full kudos that it was my ex that extended his hand for a shake before my husband even could look at him) and he began spending time with our family.  My husband finally got to liking my ex (who is a very funny and a good guy at heart) and we even arranged to go out one night - my husband, my ex, me, my best female friend, and another writer friend of mine - but at the last minute (literally 30 minutes before we were going to leave), my husband decided that he didn't want to go.

I was designated driver so my ex could cut loose and actually have a few drinks...so I drove him home and on the way he decided that he wanted to copy one of my CD's from my car, so I followed him into his place until he copied the CD.  I looked around and noticed that the pillow on his bed had a pillow case which I rememberd from our time together...and in fact, I had the matching pillow case and sheets still at my house on my son's bed.

We got to talking and we gave each other a hug...and when he told me that he was so proud of me and the woman I had become, was the moment I got weak.  A heartfelt hug turned into a kiss on the cheek...which turned into a "I love you"...wich turned into a kiss on the lips...which turned into the same old passion we had for each other...which turned into a 5 minute screw session to release the pent-up and old never truly closed door.

I was just as much to blame in this...and my ex was not the homewrecker.  My husband and I were the home wreckers - long before this ever happened - and I was weak because I wanted a friend that actually liked hearing me talk about nothing and everything.  I wanted a friend to say they were proud of me and help me out - to actually follow through and want to be around and do things with me.

It was me and it was him...

Really strange and sick thing (to a few people - it's strange in one sense, but for me, it's not sick and completely comfortable now) is that my ex is still a friend of our family and still comes around.  My husband forgave him, and even is his own words, "You are right...there is just something about him that keeps you from being angry at him for too long.  He's really a great guy."My ex and I are still the best of friends in many ways...but there has not been anymore physical encounters since then, and even when there has been opportunity to do that.

So, I betrayed my husband because I was honest and did something that I needed to do to be at peace and then I allowed the words of "I'm proud of you" and