The Weight of a Word 

It's so odd how one day you can feel so great and then the next you feel pretty lost.  This has been a rough weekend.  I am trying to figure out "why".  There are some days when it just hits me over the head that my married life is inextricably over.  Obviously I have known that for the past three months - but some days it is like having ice water thrown on your face as you sleep.  It shocks you awake - you gasp for breath - and you shake.

Most of the time - I get "it".  So why today - this weekend?  I think going away and coming back made it hard.  Then sadly today I ran into "her".  I stood there and thought to myself - what is it about her that is so special?  What makes her so amazing?  So worth all this?  I just didn't see it. 

I understand that she is just a catalyst.  He was looking for a way out and she gave it to him.  She is interchangeable & just happens to be the one who was available.  I know that deep down.  Isn't that I was looking so much at her physicality - as her as a person.  What was happening at home or actually within him -  that was so "terrible" that leaving seemed such a better alternative?  Why it is easy on the one hand to say - this isn't really about me --- but on the other know it is so much about me.  It is what I did and didn't do.  It is how we both failed the other.  I know I blew it in so many ways.  That doesn't excuse the path he chose - but I am not an innocent bystander.  So while it would be very tempting to just have anger towards him and really towards her --- why not just blame her for the whole damn thing?!  --- I know that I was in the boat that never made it to shore.  That is something I have to live with. 

Some days it is so easy to utter the word DIVORCE and others it is like a shot to the heart.  When I said it today - it just about knocked me over.  I was surprised by the weight of the word.  There is so much wrapped up in that little seven letter word.  Sadness, failure, alone, grief, confusion, anger, bitterness, resentment, embarrassment, loss, frustration, hopelessness, fear, and sometimes even wonderment at what is ahead.    Today - it was everything bad and nothing good. 

I am trying to see if there is some connection --- why am I so blue right now?  Was it the trip, too many memories at the airport, seeing her today, having to come home again, feeling overwhelmed by what is required to run my home & business by myself, suddenly feeling really old & undesirable? I don't know - maybe all of them - maybe none.  Maybe that it's just a bad couple of days and "this too shall pass". 

I remember when my brother was dying I asked him if he ever said "Why me?" and he said not really because he thought of it more like --- why not him??  I talked to him one day after I had to have emergency surgery and I was telling him how scary it was & how I was in pain, etc.  And then I stopped myself and said - oh I feel terrible.  Here you are dying and I am complaining about my surgery & pain from it.  He said - you have every  right to your own pain.  Your world didn't suddenly become perfect just because I am dying.  You will have trials, sadness & loss - whether I am dying or not.  So please don't deny your own pain.  He also said - there will always be someone worse off than you AND there will always be someone better off than you.  Their world really doesn't change whether you are suffering or not.  Your pain is your pain.  

So for now - I am just going to sit with this.  Not try to figure out "why" - but just that right now I hurt and that's okay.  I am "entitled" to my pain.  It hurts and I am not going to deny that.  For some reason right now there is more pain than I have had for quite some time.  And that's okay.  I am just going to wait for it to pass and then see the other side again.  The side where hope resides.