Want to come to my pity party?? 

I feel a bit like a baby today.  I was on a business trip and got to the fun journey from the Oakland airport again. Usually I make my way home via Seattle - but this time the layover was in Portland. Damn! 

That was rough!  As soon as I got off the plane I said oh brother.  I was flooded with memories of the last time I was there.  On my way home from another business trip and I remembered going into a few of the stores to pick things up for Ken.  Like some beers and beer glasses in the Made in Oregon store.  I went into the Powell's bookstore and went DAMN again.  Memories washed over me as I looked at the shelf of travel books. Last time I was there  I had picked up one of Caribbean Islands as I thought a romantic get-away would be a lot of fun.  Then I headed down to my gate and said double damn.  I had to walk by the little pub - where I had purchased Ken a cool T-shirt that had a rooster on it.  (we had a bunch of chickens and roosters which he ADORED!) and a beer glass.  Memories - light the corners of my mind ---- everybody sing....

So I am fighting back the tears at the same time  I am cursing him under my breath - I ALSO remembered that   later I  learned while I was on my little buying spree - he was already knee deep in his relationship with his sweetie.  What a great happy memory.

I took my seat by the gate and  I glanced around.  Suddenly it seemed as if EVERYONE was a couple.  AND that every couple consisted of a guy around my age (47) and all of them were with women in the mid-30s.  That hit a little too close to home and started the party really going.  I started into my doomsday role of "I will never have another relationship as all men my age want someone 15 years younger."  I just sat that proceeded to feel really sorry for myself.  I became really angry at Ken for making this choice and then asking if we can be best of friends.  ARGH!

I got home and things just went from bad to worse.  I started dooms-daying everything.  Oh woe is me --- I will never have a good like.  It will always suck.  I will always be alone.  I will struggle financially.  I will be miserable.  I will be alone and oh so sad.  I will never find love again.  AND on & on & on.  It even bored me - so I sympathize with all of you now.  I am feeling so overwhelmed right now. 

I still don't feel back to my "normal" and I am pretty sad.  I hope that tomorrow will find me more like "me".   Some days are just so  very hard.  I  feel so very alone. 
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