Well, as of last night there was still no discussion regarding my husband calling and making an appointment for our couple's counseling session, and if he says that he still hasn't done it by this weekend, that to me, is now his 2nd strike with only 1 more chance to do this and show me that he really DOES want to work on things together.

I can't tell if I'm hurt by this, but it almost seems as though it is not anger but a sadness that I cannot quite explain.  I am saddened by this when just earlier this week when we were arguing about finances and I told him about things I want him to do for me, and what I feel we need to do (I stressed the WE because I fully believe that to better our communication, we both have problems that we need to work through together...as the partnership of a marriage should be...the way I view a marriage at least), I told him flat out that I want him to call and make the appointment for us to go to a counselor together.

I told him that if he was serious about willing to go to couples counseling, then I wanted him to make the call and I even gave him the phone number of the counselor I was referred to.  How much more blunt can I be?

The hardest part for me is trying to answer and defend the statement that he, and some others will state, when his 3 strikes are gone of, "How could you give up on him and your marriage?  How could you give up on your vows and the sacred and sanctity of marriage?  How could you throw away forever?  How could you just throw away everything that you have ever worked for like it meant nothing?  How can you just give up?"

For me, the hardes thing to hear is that I am somehow giving up.  How is it that I am the one giving up when I have given him my hand and said "Let's do this together" and as I take one step forward and want him to follow through with stepping along with me when he says he is willing to do it, he stands firm and will not follow me?

It pains me terribly to know that I will be seen as the one who gave up - I am certainly not one that quits easily (and I remind him at times that if I wanted to give up, I would have left a LONG time ago...right after the 1st time he hit me and I hit him...9 years ago).

Is it wrong of me to feel that he is the one giving up in at least one way?  Is it wrong of me to stand my ground and tell others that I did not give up, and neither did he, though we just could not do what the other one needed to get back to being a healthy and loving married husband and wife?

I feel so sad that he has now had 2 full weeks to contact the counselor and set up the appointment for US though he has not done it yet.  I am hurt only because I did want to be completely optimistic and believe his words of truly wanting to do what I thought would be very benificial for our marriage, friendship, and our children.

I feel so sad for him...

Is he just so afraid of looking at the truth of his dark side at all that he would rather push me to the point of saying that I just cannot give another chance again?  Does he think that if we become vulnerable together in the face of a 3rd party that I will just leave instead of stand by his side and be the soft place he can fall?

I wanted so much for me to be the place he could turn to for comfort and know without a shadow of a doubt that I would not leave him for anything dark that came out of the situation.  I was even so much into being a partner and believed in the bonds of marriage and faithfullness and committment that I could over look an affair on his behalf, at least if it was more of a simply sexual nature and not one that got so emotional that he wanted to leave me for her.

I wanted him to be my best friend and I wanted to be his best friend...I always have and still would die for him...but it was only until recently that I realized that I used to live for him and with each of these passing days/weeks/months where he cannot take my honest pleas and make a leap of faith on his part to truly show me how much he is willing to do for our marriage, my will to live for him is slowing going away.

It is just so sad to me that except for my 2 acts of unfaithfullness/betrayal and loss of committment and selfishness in the 11.5 years I have been with him, I have always been committed and faithful to our marriage...to him...and to our friendship.

I'm sad that when I ask for him to be my friend and partner in this dance of life...he is letting my hand slip through his fingers as I follow the steps in the direction of where the music calls to us.

The music calls to us to move in the direction of healing and true communication and being mature enough to admit to our downfalls, working on trying to get back into unison to create the most beautiful dance that would leave tears on Angel's faces as we make our way to our life after death.

I never wanted to give up or walk away...but my dance is leading me in a different direction and I can only pray that he can follow me before I am too far ahead to step back into the out of sync rhythm of his dance.